Faith Journey - Espace Monique Kwachou

Being Intentional in the Journey

January 29, 2020 No Comments

Happy New Year folks! Towards the end of the year, I attended a vision board workshop at church with a good friend and Christian sister called Olivia Mukam Wandji. As a project management specialist, Olivia often uses project management language in her speech. As she led us through our vision board construction she compared our lives and the ambitions we have for it to the life cycle of a project. She said as we begin this new decade outlining our visions, we should consider that we are planning a project and note that there will be different phases; the planning phase, implementation phase, another for monitoring and evaluation, before the project end. Each phase requires ‘planning’ and guidance. This morning, I am thinking of her remark in another light. What about the cycle of our Christian lives? We rarely ever plan our Christian development the way we do our self-development, why don’t we care about the growth of our faith the way we do our professional growth? I understand that would be hard to do because faith isn’t something we should regard as mechanical, achievable in steps and such… after all, our Christian development is dependent on God’s grace, mercy and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit. Yet, I also think that our lack of planning in this part of our life is evidence of our lack of intentionality in our development as Christian. I recall reading some piece that admonished us to ‘respect God’s time’. The idea of respecting God’s time was odd to me, he is master/owner of time. It’s all his anyway. What time I commit to give him is my own out of the [surprisingly] inadequate hours I have to be productive. Yet the writer made a sound point that convicted me. Our lives run on scheduling and that speaks of intentionality. We have appointments entered in our calendar for months ahead, we have birthday notifications to remind us to wish those we love well, we respect meeting time and interview appointments and dates by being on time and ensuring we have nothing going on concurrently. We are very intentional with respecting time with fellow humans, our career and social commitments. But when it comes to God? Not so much. Going to church is an option, not something we’ll be fined for if we miss- as is the case with missing some classes. So what if we do prayer and meditation at 5am today, 11am tomorrow and 3pm the next? At least we did it, there is no prescribed time to worship. Thinking this way is not altogether wrong, of course, God cares more about your heart and motivations than if you have a perfunctory routine of bible study at 6am every day. Yet, thinking this way also shows that we regularly take God for granted. In the absence of intentionality, we often short-change God. Give him less, because we didn’t intentionally set out to give him more. When we aren’t intentional about what time we do that meditation and prayer, or that bible study, etc. We end up giving God what’s left of our energy, attention and time after we’ve done everything else. Or worse, we forget altogether as we postpone it saying “I’ll do it later”. Now imagine if we were more intentional not only ‘respecting God’s time’ but with our Christian journey as a whole. Imagine if we looked at our lives the way we look at our careers and said ‘I want to grow to this level of Faith’ the way we say ‘I want to reach this managerial level’. Imagine if we set out to develop habits that would develop us as Christians? This could be taking a course in scripture exegesis, training for youth ministry, or learning to be more forgiving? Imagine if we had Christian growth goals and targets as we do career goals and weight loss targets! I’ve imagined it and I can already see that if I did that I would be a lot stronger as a Christian. Vision boards, five-year plans and all forms of goal setting are renowned for helping the individual stay focused. Having a target written down, broken into achievable steps and such makes it easier to achieve a big seemingly overambitious goal. Whether that goal is ‘becoming CEO of a multinational company’ or ‘becoming a better disciple of Christ’. Please note that being intentional does not mean we set out to ‘earn our salvation’ nor does it insinuate that our Christian growth is solely up to us. The primary fact of our faith is that our salvation is freely given by Jesus Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for our transgression. Likewise, we literally cannot be better Christians without God himself enabling us to do so via the Holy Spirit. So why be intentional? The battle is not ours but the Lords, right? How does our being intentional or not matter in the grand scheme of things? The answer simply: being intentional is proof of our own commitment to God. You may not have to earn salvation, but if you have given your life to Christ and received salvation by his sacrifice, you are now a ‘slave’ to him. As a slave, you are to serve your master. Being intentional ensures you are an efficient servant. Similarly, though we cannot be better Christians without God himself enabling us to do so, we must first submit ourselves to God for the Holy Spirit to work in us. The act of submission is on us, and THAT part must be intentional. Submission doesn’t come easy, you choose it EVERY DAY. A quote by Rick Warren captures this perfectly. He says: “as humans, we are to be a living sacrifice to God. The problem with a sacrifice that is still alive is that it can crawl off the altar”. How often have you submitted yourself or even just a problem to God in prayer at night, only to wake up in the morning and

Wishing You a Decade of Dependency and Thriving Despite Deficiency

December 30, 2019 1 Comment

As a teenager, I wasn’t really ‘taught’ how to cook. I moved around a lot. And in every home, I would have tasks like dicing onions and tomatoes, fixing the vegetables, grinding spices up, etc. But no one allowed me near the pot and no one allowed me to do everything from scratch. I knew how to cook in theory-everything that needed to be in that meal, but I hadn’t ever done it for myself. It was only when I had dropped out of school in lower-sixth (think age 17) and was staying with my older male cousin at his studio that I was actually ‘in charge’ of cooking (he must have thought, oh now there is a woman in the house). I recall that every time I cooked, no matter how familiar I was with the ‘process’ of the meal I was making, I would begin with a prayer. An honest to God prayer as in : “Dear Lord, please don’t let me mess up this food. Please help me remember how Christy used to make it and let it come out just as well. Please don’t let Elvis laugh at my cooking” Every. Single. Time. If only my cousin knew how much I wanted to impress him then- and not poison both of us, of course. I would pray like that for over two years- 2007 to 2010; just picture it, me praying for guidance for something as simple as mixing pancakes or stewing cabbage. Something that ‘insignificant’, would have me with eyes closed fervently praying and I would BELIEVE God was hearing and would help. Because he God wouldn’t allow me to be shamed before those who I was cooking for nah? Is he not God again? Especially when I was in my first year at the university and imbibing all those self-help books that had us believing we needed to impress guys with our cooking… let me not even go there. The point is, by mid-2010 I was living on my own, had to cook just for me. I was experimenting and learning a lot more but also, the pressure to impress someone else was off. So I stopped praying before cooking. I had mastered a lot of the basic meals, so no need to ask for guidance so the food comes out well. And just like that, I stopped depending on God for that. I believe(d) I was a pro. Cooking isn’t the only thing I have grown out of depending on God for. I used to pray before every time I write- and I’m talking fiction, a blog post, an email, etc. I never felt like I deserved to be in the places I had been accepted into. How could I be at Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s workshop when I only just discovered her that year? When I only just managed to buy her book THAT trip because quite frankly I had no access to it before. How could I be in Uganda with so many amazing women writers when all I have a horrible collection of poems published? So of course, I would pray before every single thing I wrote, praying that God makes it better than it is because I know it is crap. Occasionally, I still pray before I write, but now it’s more “Lord, you know I procrastinated and now this deadline is here, help me make it”. The prayer is no longer about really depending to make the thing happen. I am ‘grown’ now and jaded. I think “Monique just sit up and work, what you need is discipline!” And I am right. But I am believing I can (and should) be the discipline master of myself, all day every day. I am also believing I need only discipline. And on these two things, I am wrong. As many cooks will tell you, you can follow the recipe exactly, do everything as you should have and still come out with a mess. As we say in Pidgin-English, life get as e be. Why am I sharing this? Well, two reasons. First, because it’s the end of the year and we’re all taking stock on how far we’ve come (or not) and how far we have yet to go. It occurred to me that as we grow up, mature, and life hurts and disillusions us, we become jaded. We may grow in faith, yes, but it no longer the faith that is hopeful. It is a surrendered faith. Our faith now is either more calculating with us marrying our adult logic to it and thinking along the lines of: “if I fast for this number of days, torture myself in this way, make a vow to God or give this amount of money to church then he will answer my prayers” OR the other which I think of as surrendered/resigned faith which says “Che sara sara, whatever will be, will be”. We lose that innocent faith, that faith that believes God listened to your childish prayer request to have the meal come out just right. We lose that child-like dependency that has us needing God for everything; and like five-year-olds who have finally learned how to use the bathroom on their own, we begin to shut daddy out. Until they may need a new roll of tissue and open the door a crack screaming, so we too call when it’s a mess ‘please give me this or that’. We’re not so independent after all. And we hate it! Or at least I hate it, and that is the second reason I am sharing this. One of the major lessons 2019 taught me is I cannot be all the things. I cannot meet my ideals (and I wasn’t even striving for perfection o!), I cannot save myself, I will be forced to depend. Because I have been built flawed and meant to depend because I am human and expected to fail. With this lesson, I gave myself permission to make mistakes, gave

A Lesson From A Recent Retreat

August 11, 2019 2 Comments

Today marks exactly two months to my 30th Birthday. I always do a sort of retreat towards my birthday, either the week leading up to or the month or- like last year, retake the 40 day reading/meditation of Rick Warren’s A Purpose Driven Life. This time I want to go into the new decade with joy and not following a period of petitioning God. Don’t get me wrong, those retreats always end with renewed hope which is why they’re needed and valued. But as things stand now, I wanted to get the petitioning part out of the way two months before so all I’ll be doing towards that time is thanksgiving and celebrating. Well, I don’t consider myself a ‘master’ at retreats and I struggle with making room for God and shutting distractions out as much as everyone else- if not more. But, I feel like I can share something from my experience(s) with such efforts which is why I’m writing this. How to know you need a retreat. Usually, we have something push us to our knees prior to making a move to fast or shut ourselves off seeking God. Sadly, it takes that much to get us to run towards God but it is a fact that without the illness, the frustration, the painful limp we’d likely think we’re doing just fine and never make an intentional effort to seek him. When things are going well we say a cursory prayer of thanks, but when things are not going well? We get into bible exegesis and battle mode. It is in that point where we question, seek and so find. I doubt Job would have ever had those deep conversations with his friends about God without his life being ruined. Still, perhaps you’re one of the really good Christians, one of those mature enough to seek God without having to be pushed against the wall with a crisis first, then likely you may just sense that you’ve not been able to meditate with depth. You may feel the Spirit move you to do a deeper study of scripture. Or commit to praying for a certain thing/people etc. Whether it’s a push factor or a pull factor, taking a retreat is something I find to be essential in this Christian journey. For me it’s typically the push factor, to be honest. But something I learned with this last retreat made me realize something which I think will influence future retreats as spurred by the pull factor. A lesson from the latest experience… So I took this retreat as a period of battle. I went in desperate, angry, seeking answers- in fact, demanding them. They say we should PUSH- Pray Until Something Happens- right? So that is what I would do, pray, cry, rant and self-torture all in a way to ‘twist God’s arm’. Fortunately, this time I didn’t take the retreat on my own. That made a considerable difference. I had a Christian friend guide me through, someone I could trust to be completely transparent with, who I cared enough and who could most importantly relate and so help in the right way. The fact that I had someone to be accountable to, to send meditation report to daily. Someone to debate the scripture with me, to recommend verses for meditation and to question the self-torture I was doing, the interpretations I was making… all this ensured I was doing a lot more real seeking than I had in a great while. It wasn’t just a retreat and self-denial to say “God abeg act”. It was also a searching, and trying to please God for real and not just what I think He would impress Him. It was interesting, going beyond just reading and verses and using them to back up my praying to actually studying them. Writing them out, what they mean or turning them into an exploratory exercise… this made the word come to life like never before for me. For instance. On the day we focused on thanksgiving, Phebe (the friend who guided me through) suggested Psalm 124 for meditation. As an exercise, I wrote my own interpretation of this Psalm which asks “What if the Lord had not been for us?” Several pages resulted from this as I wrote all the things that could have happened but didn’t for reasons that could only be attributed to God. By the end of the exercise, you are sure of one thing: Things may be bad, but it could have been a great deal worse if God had not orchestrated some things for reasons only he knows. Perhaps writing exercises don this time made it matter more to me since writing is my way of reflection. Perhaps something else would work for you. Yet, one thing I came away with which I want to share because I feel this is would apply to everyone is- sometimes the prayers aren’t to get you the thing you demand – or not immediately. Rather as you go seeking him, the closer you go the more you begin to question the basis of that demand, in the retreat the Spirit develops in you a desire for God which surpasses the desire for what you came to ask for. In that way, you’ve been thought to surrender. Your need has been addressed by making it null and void in the face of your need for Him. Some may read it as resignation, but it’s not. The need is still there. The desire is still there. But in seeking him you’ve been given a new perspective that dwarfs all else. As a friend says “people believe prayer changes things. But that’s not true. Prayer changes us and we change things. That is the power in the retreat. We go in with our focus on one thing and in the course of it, our focus is redirected to what God wants us to focus on. It’s a lesson I hope I remember so the

Let’s be real: Being a Christian Is Hard.

June 30, 2019 2 Comments

Our churches are beginning to sound like the marketing interns who have been commanded to get a certain number of customers each day. Nearly every message preached speaks of Abraham’s blessings, of everlasting life, of healing, of forgiveness…. of the “Good News”. I know, I know, that is the gospel, right? It IS the Good News. And we are to preach it. But can we be real as well? Can we tell the truth, the honest-to-God-truth about actually being Christian? Being a Christian is HARD! Yes, we believe we are saved, have a heavenly father who loves us, chose us, listens to and protects us. BUT, all of these do not change the fact that actually living like a Christian is called to is extremely difficult ( Note it is impossible without the help of the Spirit but still difficult with it). Have you ever had an experience that had you looking at the sky or crying on your knees and saying “Damn, Lord you ask entirely too much”? I have. At least twice this year. Let’s put aside the popular pitfalls of fornication, lust, adultery, drunkenness and more which usually get the spotlight when people think of what makes being Christian tough. To me, those sins just get popularity because of our culture. There is a multitude of regular ways we fail at being Christian because the bar is so high- the bar is literally heavenly and divine. Being a Christian is turning the other cheek when slapped. It’s praying for the person you want to cuss out. It’s forgiving people who are not sorry. It is deciding to give of whatever little you have to the spread of the gospel which is often misunderstood and abused. Being African and Christian, being a woman and Christian is having to study and question because of how the message comes to these groups to justify wrongs. Being a Christian is resigning to the fact that your life is not yours, it’s Gods and that may mean what you want to do, will not be- rather he works our hearts to match the desires he has for us. Being a Christian is being the peacemaker when you’re most likely drained from being hit from two sides. Being a Christian is a perpetual state of self-questioning, a constant battle for self-control to not do what is ‘normal/expected’ of a human with hormones, selfish desires, and ambitions they were socialized to have. It’s believing in the unseen and imaginary- consider how hard that is in a generation where we have the motto ‘pics of it didn’t happen’. Being a Christian is doing what is right even when there are no credits to be earned because quite frankly, there ARE NO CREDITS TO BE EARNED. Being a Christian is using the long route even though you know that those who don’t go through that stress will still get to the same place. But you are following what you believe you ought to. To be truly a Christian is welcome the outcasts, love the unlovable, to resign to not understanding because A LOT does not make sense by our human logic. To be truly a Christian is to study the word for yourself and every day realize just how far removed you are from Christ-likeness. It is knowing you cannot judge because you sin differently even if society tells you ‘your own sin is better’. Trying to follow Christ is basically killing your ‘Self’ slowly. I recall a tale of Gandhi being asked about his opinion of Christianity after being given a bible to read. He responded “”I like your Christ, but not your Christianity… I read the Bible faithfully and see little in Christendom that those who profess faith pretend to see”. On this, Gandhi was undoubtedly right. To find anyone who truly emulates Christ is near mission impossible. Fortunately, we don’t need to be perfect Christians. Nor are we expected to achieve whole Christlikeness. We’re simply called upon to practice his ways and depend on his Spirit to enable us. Simple, but still extremely HARD! If you’re struggling with me, here’s me wishing you strength for the journey!

What Lesson Are You Learning Now?

April 26, 2019 1 Comment

Dear Christian Bro/Sis, Consider this: the Christian’s life is part prep school, part boot camp. We’re being groomed, pruned, molded and made ready for life in God’s kingdom. A popular song in Cameroon goes: Holy, Heaven is Holy (2x) Only the righteous shall enter there, Heaven is Holy I used to think the song meant we need to ‘get’ holy to enter the gates, but I now understand that it is not for us to ‘get’. Heaven is indeed Holy, so throughout our lives, God sets up exercises like a trainer to make us holy to enter there. With our everyday experiences, encounters, and study of the scripture, God transforms us to be adequate enough to pass through the entrance. In sum, we’re forever students in the school of Christlikeness when we commit to this journey. You are signed up for a class right now. Do you know the course title? Can you recognize what God is teaching you? Personally, I came to realize I have been taking a college level course in Surrendering. When I returned home in December of 2018, I was praying for motivation, for a sign, for the strength to hold on to something very dear to me. Something God had given me (so obviously it’s a good thing) and something I firmly believe is crucial to God’s purpose to me. As days became weeks and months, I saw no answer to my response. Or rather, not the direct answers I expected. I became angry. Is it a yes or a no? I’d demand in prayer. I’d like a ‘yes’ of course, but if it’s a ‘no’ be more direct please, give me something else so I can let go of this thing… And that was it, the problem, I wanted to see what I was trading this treasure of mine for before I let it go. I had this image (see here) in my mind which suggests that ‘God has a bigger teddy bear for you so you can let go of yours’ but I wanted to see that teddy bear first. Like, is it a teddy bear, or a toy truck? Is it one in my favorite color? Can I have some guarantee? But as this course has taught me thus far, I was missing the point. We shouldn’t be giving up our treasure only if we can get better. Our surrender must not be conditional. It is demanded. Whether or not there is a new/bigger Teddy Bear behind his back at all, if asked we are to let go of what we’re holding on to. And this is how I learned that I was praying all wrong, I had set out my petition as a multiple choice question with certain answers I expected- call them ‘signs’. If yes, this will happen, if no then you’ll offer me this so I know for sure… As I journeyed home praying I was expecting an answer to that limited scope prayer and the ability to hold on to what I was to be surrendering in faith. In this most recent advanced course, I’ve been taught that the dilemma and lesson it holds is in itself an answer- even if its an answer to the prayer we didn’t pray!???????????? This recent lesson inspired the poem below, I hope you appreciate it and let me know what lesson you are currently learning in your own journey. Who knows, your current ‘course’ may be my next one ???? ********************************************************************************* The Surrendering I thought the journey was for affirming. And came believing I’d have a firmer clasp on emotions too effervescent, on a dream shattered and now unrecognizable. I thought by now I’d know for sure Where home is. Could be. Hoped by now I’d look at you and no longer see mixed signals I’ve found that I’d hoped wrong. The aim of this journey is never what I thought it was You did not take me on this journey to hold me, But to break me more. To do it gently in a familiar place, to do it slowly so I am not jarred When I asked you to take my hands and lead me at the start of this journey You did take my hand, but to unclasp my fist, so I let go of the little I’d managed to hold on to To bare my palm, for both of us to see the bruises on that soft flesh from years of struggling to hold what was and is only temporary. This journey has always been about my surrendering Now I know, it should be easier. Understanding ought to make things easier Yet that adage does not apply in this case. Knowing only makes me apprehensive of what is yet to come. Now that I am surrendering, I know there’s more breaking to be done.

Resolution Recommendations for Fellow Christians…

January 1, 2019 No Comments

In January of 2018, I committed to sharing my faith through blogging as well. This meant increasing my blogging frequency. All through the year, I made two posts every month; one as usual of my musings which are generally social commentary, and another post chronicling my Christian journey under my ‘About my Faith’ page. I just want to say thank you to those who have been reading and encouraging me. I pray the year 2019 ahead is a better one for us all. As we start yet another year, I have been considering what message I’d like to pass with the last/first post. This end of year period is known for being the period of pledges, resolutions, and decrees of ‘good riddance to all things bad’. So, I think in the spirit of the season, I could raise some resolutions I’m hoping other Christians would take on. Don’t worry, I won’t make a long list self-righteous of things for other people to do in the new year, we all know the longer the list of resolutions the less likely we are to achieve them. I just have three points going forward. 1- Please Be a More Conscious Christian A.K.A WOKE A week ago we celebrated 25th of December as the birthdate of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Except that date is not likely his date of birth. It’s a known fact that Christ was likely not born in December and that the date we are actually celebrating has origins in certain pagan feast which the early crusaders tried to white-wash with faith. I say all this not to deride us as Christians for celebrating Christmas, but rather to illustrate that KNOWING this did not stop me from celebrating Christ’s birth. Because of the knowledge, I do not celebrate the day but the event. which is not being heralded on that day. Yet it was necessary that I know the truth. It is necessary that we all know the origins of what we celebrate, the history of our religious days and norms. That we- especially African Christians, acknowledge that those who brought us God’s word likewise played a role in our subjugation. It is necessary to know this, to acknowledge it to have your faith questioned, tested and proven as a conscious choice rather than a passive inheritance of history, place of birth and socialization. Ours is a faith that calls us to be in a relationship with the one described as the ‘Way, the Truth and the Light’ how then can you ignore the truths of our religious history, religious institutions, and our society today? To be willingly ignorant is to have a fake relationship with the Truth. So resolve to ‘be woke’, research the answers to the hard questions, call out the church’s failure to address social issues which matter, delve into philosophy and hear arguments from those of other faiths – or no faith at all. Trust God enough to know He, being God, can handle your questioning. 2- Resolve to Read More than Just that Verse! Brethren, I beseech you, stop this cherry-picking of bible scripture. Let it end. Do you not see the hypocrisy of using a single verse from Deuteronomy or Leviticus to justify condemning some people all the while overlooking other scripture in the same chapter which ask us to not eat shrimp (crayfish)? Also, can we stop claiming the promise of blessings in a single verse at the end of the book when we failed to read the chapter full of pain and sacrifice which led to that promise? Just the other day I noticed how I was guilty of this; I have been capitalizing on the promise of Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus”. However, this verse was a prayer for the Philippians who had been helping Paul generously. It was directed at specific people in response to something and before I can claim it, I would need to have been just as generous or be generous by trusting in that scriptural promise. This is the case with many of the verses we often claim, they are often tiny excerpts of a bigger story. So resolve to read more than a single verse, to claim the promise with awareness of context and ensure you read all of Abraham’s trials before claiming Abrahamic blessings. 3- Resolve to Know What and Why You Believe I had dragged my feet about sharing my faith for a long time, but after deciding to share my conversion story in later 2018 and having to outline just why I believe and what, I now think it’s something all adult Christians should be required to do. Too many of us are Christians by indoctrination; believing because we’ve been told, not because we’ve experienced or found out for ourselves. Too many of us can’t delineate where our socialization ends and our faith starts. For this reason, we find it difficult to defend our belief (our belief- not God- God doesn’t need lawyers) without insulting a non-believer, condemning them or worse. I pray that if you’re a Christian reading this, you get to the point in your journey where you can declare your faith confidently, knowing for certain what you believe in and why. May God grow and guide you for the better in 2019.

Faith Journey Lessons Inspired by Thoughts of Death

November 13, 2018 2 Comments

Last week I thought about dying. No, not as in suicide. But as in being killed. You see, I’m returning home soon and though I have looked forward to returning home from every trip/stay abroad, this time I am more apprehensive than excited. The crisis in the Anglophone regions which I call home has escalated to the point of guerrilla warfare. On one hand, we have the military shooting indiscriminately, burning villages, and government-ordered arbitrary arrests on the rise; on the other hand, we have the advocates for secessionism proving to be another extreme of evil with kidnappings, butchering and a general ruling by terror. I am returning home to this, both for professional and personal reasons, willingly returning because this is still home. Yet, I have questioned my sanity for desiring to walk into what many are trying to flee from. I have questioned my purpose, what I feel called to do, I have questioned God’s direction, and I have questioned myself in a hundred different ways. I am an over-thinker, I can create something to be anxious about out of thin air, and as this is a very real worry I have magnified it, worrying at an even larger scale. So I didn’t think only of the possibility of physical death (that would be relatively easy), I thought of all the ways I could die emotionally, spiritually, and mentally if hurt in a particular way. For days I thought of home and cried feeling like some foolish character in a horror movie who goes outside in the dark to check for what is making that eerie sound. You might think I’m exaggerating- and perhaps I am given that I’m thinking all this based on reports from home- but please put yourself in my place. Consider yourself someone already prone to worrying and imagine receiving news of shootings every day, a kidnapping for a ransom of 5 million, or teacher from a school 15 mins from your home having their fingers cut off. The truth is reported on the news often enough that I do not need to exaggerate. But this post isn’t about the crisis back home. It’s about what this time, living with this fear and constantly receiving news like this, has taught me about my faith, and my position on my Christian journey. This period, particularly the over-thinking I’ve done this past week has left me with two lessons I’ll be sharing here: On a particularly bad day last week the thoughts of dying hit peak while I was talking with a cherished friend who unknowingly said something hurtful, something that killed some hope I’d had in our relationship. That night I cried thinking of a different type of dying- dying hope. I learned an important lesson then, untimely death scares a lot of us not for what it is (we don’t feel the impact of our death ourselves) but for what it means. It often means the end of hopes enjoy fruits of our labor, feeling some success and some modicum of happiness at the end of the struggle. Christians are often thought to think of this world as a temporary place, we’re passing through. While the ideology is foundational of our faith, I think it’s simplistic to say ‘don’t think of the here and now’. I have learned from this time that we must be more honest, yes we have hope in a life after death, but I also have hope in God bringing about a future I hope for. We invest a lot in that hope of a future we hope for, we work hard in the here and now, to be good disciples while on earth, to have good relationships to live fulfilled lives. So let’s not sum up fear of death and bodily harm to an unwillingness to pass on physically. To me, it’s sometimes an unwillingness to believe God would let all the effort, the dreams sown in your heart be fruitless. Living unhappily, with no hope for the here and now is in itself another type of dying we rarely speak of. Suffice it to say, that as I overanalyzed everything last week I felt like the writer of the book of Ecclesiastes, wondering why we all try so hard and whether it was even worth it. As I was leaving one WhatsApp chat to another discussing my anxiety, plans, questions etc. a friend brought something to my attention which would be my 2nd lesson in this period. She had noted that when I have a decision to make, or some issue on my plate, I repeat the same pattern for dealing it. I say I’m praying over that thing- and I do- but then I carry whatever it is to whoever I can, flesh out the worry, analyze the issue several times with 20 different people, collecting all their opinions till I’ve talked more than I’ve prayed. Debated and questioned more than I could ever hope. At the end of this- the end comes when I’m just plain tired and or have run out of people I like enough to share the issue with- I resign to whatever would be. Such that my trust in God’s will is more out of resignation than actual faith. The friend who brought this pattern to my attention also encouraged me to re-read the book of James. Shortly after I started it, I found verses which summed my actions up exactly James 1:6-7). I meditated on that verse had a heart to heart with another Christian sister-friend and in the course of conversation came up with the term ‘prayer/worry hoarder’ describing my habit for needing other people to help me worry, asking them to pray for what I’ve prayed for and worry about what I’m worrying over- rather than trusting. The revelation into this habit hasn’t resolved anything, I’m still anxious. Yet now I’m conscious of this pattern of mine and taking steps to curb my doubt-based behavior. For instance, knowing

Ask Yourself: What am I supposed to Be Learning Now?

August 17, 2018 No Comments

The past few weeks have been a struggle with regards to my faith. I’m not where I want to be, there’s no guarantee of me getting where I want to be. It’s something God either blesses me with or not. I can’t earn it. Can’t ‘deserve’ it. Can only pray and hope I’m granted this particular desire. And as this runs around in my mind, the fact that this thing I desire so much is not guaranteed no matter what I do, I feel desolate in waiting. In this state, I didn’t – still don’t- feel like writing an ‘About My Faith’ entry for this month but have to continue for the sake of commitment. So as I considered what I was going to write on I thought of a statement a friend had made when we discussed my not-so-patient wait for the desires I can’t ‘work’ for. She said “try to determine what God wants you to learn in this period. Don’t let your mind be clouded by your frustration over waiting. Learn in the wait.” Now, this is one of those lessons you know to be true facts BUT not something you want to hear at a time when you’re fine being pitiful and bemoaning your fate. Nevertheless, the statement had stayed with me and came to me as I considered the About My Faith post for this month. Particularly because it reminded me of a blog post I published on the Anglophone Crisis in Cameroon in February of 2017 entitled “What’s Happening in Cameroon? Learning I Hope”. Like Cameroon, in going through a crisis, I hope we are all learning. It is hoped that we take away something. It is my prayer that the struggle, the wait, and stress eventually make sense. For now, I’m engaging myself in asking what I have learned in the last year that I hadn’t known before. I ask myself, in what ways have I GROWN in this wait. I have found that it’s a way to cheer myself up; a way to feel better about the situation I can’t help and trust that God does indeed know what he’s doing. So join me this month as I make a list of lessons I am learning. Note, you must not have learned the lessons in all yet. It’s enough to recognize that it’s something you have been taught and are in the process of learning. Appreciate the little growth. May Grace continue to carry us on the journey.

For Christian Girls Who Have Sought Reasons to Live When Faith is Not Enough

May 30, 2018 No Comments

I know what it means sister, Know what it means to seek hope like children seek fireflies on too-warm evenings I know what it means sister, Know what it means when you finally catch one… and the light flickers. Off I know what it means sister, Know what it means to question and scold yourself for ingratitude For surely you must be ungrateful. Surely you haven’t appreciated enough if you feel this way I know what it means sister, Know what it means to be told to pray the darkness away. Know that on some days it works, and others it doesn’t I know. I know what most don’t That praying over it means thinking about it And thinking leads to overthinking. Overfeeling And possibly drowning in what you’d rather escape. I know how hard it is to tell, sister How hard it is to explain what you, yourself, can barely understand. How to describe the feeling you fight when some days it’s easy to beat… And at other times it needs weeks… I know sister, I know So don’t feel you’re not holy enough, Never feel you’re not faith-full enough “Enough” faith is for the martyrs… but we’re all just learners here Be consoled in that someone knows sister That someone understands you setting up a vision board with reasons to live That someone understands that even the scripture, that double-edged sword. Finds it hard to cut through the cloak that is depression. Seek all the help you can, sister. And if you need me, I’m here. I do not know it all, But this much I do.

Where Are You In Your Faith Journey?

January 31, 2018 No Comments

As I stated in my first official Christian blog post, with this page I’ll be sharing lessons learned along my faith journey, for the purpose of inspiring someone and spreading the joy that I FEEL compelled to as a result of my faith in Christ. But as I thought of what to blog about this month, what lesson to share from my journey at this point… It all seemed pretty hard-core for a first blog post of the year. So I thought about it some more, procrastinated, prayed for inspiration, and just as I finally decided I’ll write whatever I can, just at that moment, it occurred to me that I was planning to share lessons learned in along my faith journey, but I had yet to assess at what point I was in this journey? Am I a baby needing milk (1Cor 3:1-5), or a full-fledged Ephesians chapter 6 warrior? To be honest, I think I am somewhere in the middle. I made the personal decision to commit to Christ in 2007, so that makes me 11 years in the fold right? One would say, that’s a pretty long time, long enough for maturity in the word. Let me just say that one would be lying. It’s not the number of years so much as the levels of hell and heaven we pass through experience which grows us. Growth in faith is subtle really, it grows on you, you just realize certain attributes of yours have changed. In one of her sermons, Priscilla Shirer talks about discerning the word of God and the sanctification process done by the holy spirit. I love that part of the sermon because it makes it clear these changes are not from us directly or solely our responsibility and consequence of our action. Growth is through that sanctification process. It is through that subtle molding of our likes and dislikes, priorities and desires that growth occurs. Growth is when the sermon about claiming the blessings of Abraham is no longer enough and feels glossed over because a quiet voice says “Would you like to claim his trials and tribulations too? Would you like God to give you a calling as absurd as the one he had? Or a trial as unbelievable as that which he was tested with?” No? Then shush. Growth is when you actually listen and believe the word that says your salvation will not be earned through deeds, and finally stop judging other people based on your list of thou-shall-nots. Growth is when you go beyond praying for what you desire to get and start praying for who you desire to become in Him. Or better yet, when you move beyond praying for yourself and to praying for others, for Gods will, for more growth. I think I began to grow, actually grow in faith and seek more knowledge and guidance than prosperity after reading a Purpose Driven Life in 2009. If you’ve ever suffered from depression and questioned your self-worth, the value of your existence… well you’d know the potential impact of knowing you have a Purpose to fulfill, of being challenged and guided to find that you have unique skills, gifts, and talents. Writing the purpose statement for your life is one of the most “getting my shit together” acts EVER. That manifesto literally compels one to LIVE. Please, make no mistake, growing in Christ is hard, mostly because it means killing of our selfish nature. You are being “shaved off” until all that’s left is what resembles Christ. In a way, it’s not so much a growing as a reconfiguring. Perhaps that’s why our journey often seems like we are going around in circles, standing at the same spot. We may be learning the same lessons over an over again till we get it right. One of my all-time time favourite quotes by my role model, the late Maya Angelou is this: “I always find surprising when a young person walks up to me and says they’re a Christian. I feel the need to respond: already?” See, Mama Maya knew that this journey is looooooooooong! And few of us complete it by the time we pass away. So forgive some of us if we respond to the question of whether we are a Christian – read Disciple of Christ- with the answer “I am trying my best to be”. So there, before I start imparting lessons learned through experiences in my faith journey, consider this a disclaimer: I do not have it all together and I still have a long way to go. Where at you in your faith journey? Drop me a comment below, I’d love to know, I’m nosey like that ????????????