Unlearning Episode 1 – Monique Kwachou

I am jealous of the love black women, African women reserve for men.

Their men, the men yet to be theirs, the men who we are not sure exist yet, or who exist but just don’t show up.

The sort of love that has us ready and willing to edit ourselves to be what you desire.

The love that has us buying fabric and thinking of how we’ll make two outfits instead of one.

The love that has us learning skills we wouldn’t need otherwise, just to please/impress you.

The love that forgives without neither complete apologies nor changed behavior.

The love that hopes in things that are not seen and builds futures on potential

I am jealous of that love which has been so normalized evidence of it is no longer considered extraordinary…

Like the fact that The Power of a Praying Wife sells out every Sunday outside of church and yet the bookseller hasn’t bothered to restock The Power of a Prayer Husband since he barely managed to sell the last one.

Or the fact that you can enter a shop and tell the salesperson “I di find “Papa e Dish’” and they will know what you refer to. A dish reserved for your gender, a status symbol you are eligible for even if you are not sure you want to be ‘Papa’.

I am jealous of the love women like me have earmarked as just for men like you; the way we save everything from the best piece of meat to the best seat at the table, to ourselves… just for you.

And I am jealous of how easy it is for you to find a place to belong because of this;

Jealous of the advantage you have because we believe that we can/should/must earn the love we so eagerly want to give you, because so many of us are convinced you are the ones to fill the reserved spaces we kept…

I am jealous of the prayers my kind pray for men.

How does it feel? To have all the women in your life praying for you, when you forget to pray for yourself?

I am jealous of the kind of love that makes us aspire to be superwomen; that makes us desire to be everything a much less than “super” man desires. I am jealous of the love that makes us plan our aspirations around men who never asked us to.

I am jealous of how ready we are to offer what these men are not ready to take. Of how well we have been shaped for a time such as this – years of grooming on how to give love unasked, to accept less than we offer… decades of conditioning that leaves you wondering if what you do is what you want to, or what you know is expected of you…

I am jealous of men like you, for being offered such love on the regular.

Jealous of the position of power you don’t recognize you have because you think this love is merely an individual choice… blissfully unaware of how that choice in itself is externally orchestrated.

I am jealous of your confidence and the corresponding nonchalance that the love we offer you breeds; because our love sees us as the author and finisher of the family, and makes us responsible for all that goes wrong or never goes at all. We are the neck, the rib, the backbone. Anything but the head.

I thought I was angry at you, you probably thought so too.

But no, what I am is jealous.

I envy you for being offered the kind love I wish someone would give me.

And if I am angry, I am angry at myself.

Because I continue to reserve for you what I wish I could give myself.

Because despite love being a good thing, this brand of love is yet another thing I have found that I must unlearn.

13 Comments

This is a perfect picture of the realities we live. We learnt these versions of love, care or relationships from our mothers and somehow, till date, we are transferring to our children in different ways. If only each and every human would love as they want to be loved, give as they want to receive…thank you for this amazing write up Dr. Mo! If was an unlearning experience for me!

Good write up Monik. I think I have become too conscious of these privileges that often it leads to a state of guilt for what I am yet to do or what other men did with their privilege. While I battle to convert this guilt to responsibility, thanks for reminding us of this. Sometimes we need to.

It takes a level of consciousness and the willingness to be accountable to state what you just wrote Valerie. I want to thank you but…

This is an amazing write up Monique!

Awesome piece. I don't know when this battle will come to an end. I guess it begins with us women and men raising our boys to be aware of such ill practices/priviledges. Only then will such practices be gradually erased.

This is quite deep and an athentic reflection of how we have been conditioned at all levels. And yes, many times, we feel guilty of unlearning these lessons. But we must urgently become more conscious and treat ourselves right.

This is priceless Monique.
It's so deep and so true.
Subconsciously the other"gender" gets all the privileges and care from the female folks who have been trained to love and support their dreams and aspirations from a very tender age.
"I am jealous of the undivided attention and loyalty we give to our men without holding back any for ourselves"
Its time we start unlearning and loving ourselves more.
Self care and support for other Women should be our watchword and preoccupation now in this generation and the next.

How would anything change if we do not unlearn ourselves. I also wonder if it's not some sort of a default setting in a woman that our economy reinforces.

Amazing!!! The truth in this post resonates on every level

Thank you all for reading and leaving comments! I'm glad – yet sad – it resonates with so many. Cheers, to our unlearning

This is a very compelling piece!

Wow! How did I ever miss this? So much truth.

This is a great piece that talks about the reality of every woman in Africa. Women are taught to have all the duties and no rights or needs. When they feel a need and it can’t be given, they are expected to understand and just move on. Our mothers tomorrow have a huge role to play to change this narrative.

13 Comments

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