Dear Christian Bro/Sis, Consider this: the Christian’s life is part prep school, part boot camp. We’re being groomed, pruned, molded and made ready for life in God’s kingdom. A popular song in Cameroon goes: Holy, Heaven is Holy (2x) Only the righteous shall enter there, Heaven is Holy I used to think the song meant we need to ‘get’ holy to enter the gates, but I now understand that it is not for us to ‘get’. Heaven is indeed Holy, so throughout our lives, God sets up exercises like a trainer to make us holy to enter there. With our everyday experiences, encounters, and study of the scripture, God transforms us to be adequate enough to pass through the entrance. In sum, we’re forever students in the school of Christlikeness when we commit to this journey. You are signed up for a class right now. Do you know the course title? Can you recognize what God is teaching you? Personally, I came to realize I have been taking a college level course in Surrendering. When I returned home in December of 2018, I was praying for motivation, for a sign, for the strength to hold on to something very dear to me. Something God had given me (so obviously it’s a good thing) and something I firmly believe is crucial to God’s purpose to me. As days became weeks and months, I saw no answer to my response. Or rather, not the direct answers I expected. I became angry. Is it a yes or a no? I’d demand in prayer. I’d like a ‘yes’ of course, but if it’s a ‘no’ be more direct please, give me something else so I can let go of this thing… And that was it, the problem, I wanted to see what I was trading this treasure of mine for before I let it go. I had this image (see here) in my mind which suggests that ‘God has a bigger teddy bear for you so you can let go of yours’ but I wanted to see that teddy bear first. Like, is it a teddy bear, or a toy truck? Is it one in my favorite color? Can I have some guarantee? But as this course has taught me thus far, I was missing the point. We shouldn’t be giving up our treasure only if we can get better. Our surrender must not be conditional. It is demanded. Whether or not there is a new/bigger Teddy Bear behind his back at all, if asked we are to let go of what we’re holding on to. And this is how I learned that I was praying all wrong, I had set out my petition as a multiple choice question with certain answers I expected- call them ‘signs’. If yes, this will happen, if no then you’ll offer me this so I know for sure… As I journeyed home praying I was expecting an answer to that limited scope prayer and the ability to hold on to what I was to be surrendering in faith. In this most recent advanced course, I’ve been taught that the dilemma and lesson it holds is in itself an answer- even if its an answer to the prayer we didn’t pray!???????????? This recent lesson inspired the poem below, I hope you appreciate it and let me know what lesson you are currently learning in your own journey. Who knows, your current ‘course’ may be my next one ???? ********************************************************************************* The Surrendering I thought the journey was for affirming. And came believing I’d have a firmer clasp on emotions too effervescent, on a dream shattered and now unrecognizable. I thought by now I’d know for sure Where home is. Could be. Hoped by now I’d look at you and no longer see mixed signals I’ve found that I’d hoped wrong. The aim of this journey is never what I thought it was You did not take me on this journey to hold me, But to break me more. To do it gently in a familiar place, to do it slowly so I am not jarred When I asked you to take my hands and lead me at the start of this journey You did take my hand, but to unclasp my fist, so I let go of the little I’d managed to hold on to To bare my palm, for both of us to see the bruises on that soft flesh from years of struggling to hold what was and is only temporary. This journey has always been about my surrendering Now I know, it should be easier. Understanding ought to make things easier Yet that adage does not apply in this case. Knowing only makes me apprehensive of what is yet to come. Now that I am surrendering, I know there’s more breaking to be done.
Music for the Journey (March 2019 Missing Post)
Twice now, I have come across an interesting post on Facebook which asked me to consider my life as a movie and suggest what songs are on its soundtrack. I love(d) the idea of my life’s soundtrack album but didn’t exactly follow the instructions the first time I considered it as per the post. That first time, I saw myself thinking of all my favorite songs, songs I have replayed over and over again at some point in life. While this is okay, it’s not exactly what a soundtrack signifies. It occurred to me only when reading the comments under the post the second time that I realized that I was to list songs which would accompany periods of my life. This realization made the exercise more introspective than initially perceived. Now, I’m a music lover and my tastes are extremely eclectic. My music gallery has everything from Accapella from Brooklyn to classical music by Europeans of the 1700s to American country music to Afropop to makossa and zouk. Even within the category of Gospel Music, there are subfolders – Black American gospel, ‘traditional’ gospel hymns, Nigerian gospel, South African gospel music each with beats of their own. One of my secondary school teachers used to say singing is ‘worshipping doubled’. While that may be debatable, as a music lover with such eclectic taste, I have also come to realize that I compound the moods I feels with the sort of music I choose to listen to at those times- feeling soppy, more Mary J Blige, Feeling frustrated? Cry it out with Tamela Mann! The music we choose to listen to [and the songs we favor] says a lot about the mood we’re in, want to be in, and what we’re going through… But they also tell a story of our growth. Have you heard of the saying ‘when you’re in a good mood you like the beats but when you’re down you understand the lyrics’? Similar can be said for our favored gospel songs. Consider your life journey, particularly your evolution as a Christian, how has your taste in music evolved? What songs do you relate to now which you didn’t get before? What songs got you through a particular time? I’ll offer my list in exchange for yours: My undergraduate years saw me excited about my faith for the first time. I was building my idea of what Christianity ought to mean and venturing beyond the ‘traditional’ hymns and locally composed chorals that I’d been taught in secondary school. I recall replaying Mary Mary’s It’s the God in Me and Kirk Franklin’s Thank you till the point where my neighbors got fed up. I was impressed by how gospel music could be made to RnB and Rap beats, and not necessarily somber. A similar type of joyful gospel was trending in Cameroon around that time too, and for the first time, we in the anglophone regions had imported French Cameroonian music like Je Suis Dans la Joie into our churches just as much as Nigerian. By the end of undergrad though, I was becoming more of a prayer warrior. Life – or rather, adulting- comes at you fast. I suddenly ‘felt’ our locally popular -often Nigerian- prayer songs. You know those repetitive songs we were taught to sing as intros to our prayers…. likeJesus, come and defend your name o Lord,Jesus come and defend your name o Lord,Lest my enemies come and laugh asking ‘where is the God I’m serving?’Lest my enemies come and laugh asking ‘where is the God I’m serving?’ ‘Flow in my life, cover my head to toes, (2)Give me the power to do thy will, o Lord I pray, amen (x2) I guess when your own prayers start getting deep, you come to see the need for an intro, outro, and bridge. With such prayers, you sometimes need to break into song halfway because a song says it better- or you’re too overwhelmed to even articulate what you’re feeling. Times when the likes of Jill Scotts ‘Hear My Call’, somber as it is, is most appropriate. It’s been a long time since then, and I’ve seen my tastes change many times over, with the discovery of a new (or new to me) song, or the change of circumstances, growth in knowledge which makes one I’d already heard all the more meaningful. These days, the gospel songs I’m repeating include; Tori Kelly’s Ever Be and her version of So Will I, Tamela Mann’s Change Me, God Provides, and Take Me to the King Amber Riley’s versions of I’m His Child and Reckless Love Lara George’s Dansaki J.J Hairston’s You Deserve It Pompi’ Silence Transformation Church’s version of One Thing Remains Tasha Cobb’s Gracefully Broken and Fill Me Up The Walls’ Group’s And You Don’t Stop and Satisfied Caleb and Kelsey’s medley of Oceans (Where Feet May Fall) + You Make Me Brave and finally, a long spew of Jonathan McReynolds’ profound songs like Cycles, Limp, Stay High, Maintain, God is Good, and Make Room This list will likely change within months to come, in fact just revisiting old favorites has made me make some adjustments on the playlist. Isn’t it amazing how that happens?Now, let me in our your soundtrack… what songs are seeing you through the journey at the moment?Looking forward to your comments! xoxo,Mo
All Seasons Matter
Dear Reader, As of January of 2018, I began a commitment to using my blog as a medium for sharing about my faith in Jesus Christ. It was, in my way, a means of ministry as well as exercise for spiritual growth. So each month since then I have published two posts each month. One being my regular musings on life, society and whatever else is on my mind, and the other being an ‘About my Faith’ post.Recently, however, I’ve been going through ‘some stuff’. Stuff that has put me in a position where I have neither the desire nor the conviction to share my faith as I’d felt called to when I first started this exercise. While I have felt this before, the lack of conviction, the self and faith doubt, I have yet to have this season drag on so long. Suffice it to say I feel like I’ve depleted my hope reserves and at the moment I’m not the Christian anyone can be proud of, let alone share. But perhaps this is why I feel I must share this, share what I have noted here in this ‘sunken place’. For one, I’ve found that very few Christians make good counselors. We listen to respond rather than to understand and empathize with the person. We have been trained to see God as some stern African parent who would be offended by our doubts and frailty in faith. We rebuke the person questioning, and wrestling with issues [especially if we can’t understand why they feel what they do]. We have been taught that we must always be joyful, always be faithful, always be anchored in prayer, always be firm in faith. We have been taught to hurl scriptures at the person who is down- as if they didn’t know said scripture verse before falling. In recent discussions with Christian friends (of varying degrees of faith and genuine friendship) I have found myself respecting the Christians who admit that they do not know. They who admit to their struggle, who admit that they have fallen too often to hold your own struggle against you- who do not expect you to overcome what they have yet to experience, what they cannot understand, or what they themselves succumbed to when they ‘were younger and not yet saved’. Ugh! The last group is the worse! The video above is culled from my favorite message by @priscillashirer (check out the full video HERE) and I feel more Christians should hear it. In this message, Priscilla reminds us that God has given us permission to doubt, that Christ did not rebuke John when he questioned and that this battle is ultimately God’s. It is HE who enables our faith, we could not on our own, hold this belief with must conviction. Please do watch the full video, it is a truly poignant message. Next, the more I have been told to ‘get over myself’ (in more polite/patronizing ways of course), the more I have decided to settle right down in this ‘sunken place’. This sounds retrogressive, but I mean it all the same. I have become weary of the people who expect you thriving round the clock- or at least pretending that you are. The people who preach using only certain seasons in our favorite Bible characters. These people will give you the verse of Job praising God in adversity, but not that of him wishing he was dead or not born. Like we can’t do both ????????♀ They will preach using the woman at the well, as if she would be that woman without having had four husbands and no damns left to give. If she wasn’t the woman she is she may not even have spoken to Jesus in that context, she’d have been too ‘well-bred’. These people praise the David who could stand up to Goliath without acknowledging how he would later be unable to stand up to his own self when it came to greed and lust… Nearly all biblical characters displayed flaws we would write off church members for in this day and age. Nearly everyone we would claim the blessings of had struggled. The seasons shaped and made them. It is those seasons of their human frailty, and their failure to be ‘holy’ that justifies Christ’s sacrifice… So why is it that we reject our own human frailness, we expect that we would be forever full of faith. At what point are we to be empty for Christ to fill us? I do not suggest that we glorify the seasons of depression, of failure and backsliding. Not at all. What I propose is that we be more understanding, that we stop thinking so narrowly. That we appreciate that ALL SEASONS MATTER. That we recognize that telling someone who is backsliding to lift themselves up with the word is okay, but asking God – who being God is far more powerful- to meet them in their sunken place and lift them out is actually how this thing works. And if you’re like me; going through some stuff, questioning and on the brink of failing. I pray that you learn (as I am slowly acknowledging) that there’s no way to fall so far that God- being supreme- cannot lift you out. And I hope we soon see the reason for this season. Amen. P.S I still whisper to myself “this too shall pass”, but now I equally think “this too may be part of His plan”
Resolution Recommendations for Fellow Christians…
In January of 2018, I committed to sharing my faith through blogging as well. This meant increasing my blogging frequency. All through the year, I made two posts every month; one as usual of my musings which are generally social commentary, and another post chronicling my Christian journey under my ‘About my Faith’ page. I just want to say thank you to those who have been reading and encouraging me. I pray the year 2019 ahead is a better one for us all. As we start yet another year, I have been considering what message I’d like to pass with the last/first post. This end of year period is known for being the period of pledges, resolutions, and decrees of ‘good riddance to all things bad’. So, I think in the spirit of the season, I could raise some resolutions I’m hoping other Christians would take on. Don’t worry, I won’t make a long list self-righteous of things for other people to do in the new year, we all know the longer the list of resolutions the less likely we are to achieve them. I just have three points going forward. 1- Please Be a More Conscious Christian A.K.A WOKE A week ago we celebrated 25th of December as the birthdate of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Except that date is not likely his date of birth. It’s a known fact that Christ was likely not born in December and that the date we are actually celebrating has origins in certain pagan feast which the early crusaders tried to white-wash with faith. I say all this not to deride us as Christians for celebrating Christmas, but rather to illustrate that KNOWING this did not stop me from celebrating Christ’s birth. Because of the knowledge, I do not celebrate the day but the event. which is not being heralded on that day. Yet it was necessary that I know the truth. It is necessary that we all know the origins of what we celebrate, the history of our religious days and norms. That we- especially African Christians, acknowledge that those who brought us God’s word likewise played a role in our subjugation. It is necessary to know this, to acknowledge it to have your faith questioned, tested and proven as a conscious choice rather than a passive inheritance of history, place of birth and socialization. Ours is a faith that calls us to be in a relationship with the one described as the ‘Way, the Truth and the Light’ how then can you ignore the truths of our religious history, religious institutions, and our society today? To be willingly ignorant is to have a fake relationship with the Truth. So resolve to ‘be woke’, research the answers to the hard questions, call out the church’s failure to address social issues which matter, delve into philosophy and hear arguments from those of other faiths – or no faith at all. Trust God enough to know He, being God, can handle your questioning. 2- Resolve to Read More than Just that Verse! Brethren, I beseech you, stop this cherry-picking of bible scripture. Let it end. Do you not see the hypocrisy of using a single verse from Deuteronomy or Leviticus to justify condemning some people all the while overlooking other scripture in the same chapter which ask us to not eat shrimp (crayfish)? Also, can we stop claiming the promise of blessings in a single verse at the end of the book when we failed to read the chapter full of pain and sacrifice which led to that promise? Just the other day I noticed how I was guilty of this; I have been capitalizing on the promise of Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus”. However, this verse was a prayer for the Philippians who had been helping Paul generously. It was directed at specific people in response to something and before I can claim it, I would need to have been just as generous or be generous by trusting in that scriptural promise. This is the case with many of the verses we often claim, they are often tiny excerpts of a bigger story. So resolve to read more than a single verse, to claim the promise with awareness of context and ensure you read all of Abraham’s trials before claiming Abrahamic blessings. 3- Resolve to Know What and Why You Believe I had dragged my feet about sharing my faith for a long time, but after deciding to share my conversion story in later 2018 and having to outline just why I believe and what, I now think it’s something all adult Christians should be required to do. Too many of us are Christians by indoctrination; believing because we’ve been told, not because we’ve experienced or found out for ourselves. Too many of us can’t delineate where our socialization ends and our faith starts. For this reason, we find it difficult to defend our belief (our belief- not God- God doesn’t need lawyers) without insulting a non-believer, condemning them or worse. I pray that if you’re a Christian reading this, you get to the point in your journey where you can declare your faith confidently, knowing for certain what you believe in and why. May God grow and guide you for the better in 2019.
Faith Journey Lessons Inspired by Thoughts of Death
Last week I thought about dying. No, not as in suicide. But as in being killed. You see, I’m returning home soon and though I have looked forward to returning home from every trip/stay abroad, this time I am more apprehensive than excited. The crisis in the Anglophone regions which I call home has escalated to the point of guerrilla warfare. On one hand, we have the military shooting indiscriminately, burning villages, and government-ordered arbitrary arrests on the rise; on the other hand, we have the advocates for secessionism proving to be another extreme of evil with kidnappings, butchering and a general ruling by terror. I am returning home to this, both for professional and personal reasons, willingly returning because this is still home. Yet, I have questioned my sanity for desiring to walk into what many are trying to flee from. I have questioned my purpose, what I feel called to do, I have questioned God’s direction, and I have questioned myself in a hundred different ways. I am an over-thinker, I can create something to be anxious about out of thin air, and as this is a very real worry I have magnified it, worrying at an even larger scale. So I didn’t think only of the possibility of physical death (that would be relatively easy), I thought of all the ways I could die emotionally, spiritually, and mentally if hurt in a particular way. For days I thought of home and cried feeling like some foolish character in a horror movie who goes outside in the dark to check for what is making that eerie sound. You might think I’m exaggerating- and perhaps I am given that I’m thinking all this based on reports from home- but please put yourself in my place. Consider yourself someone already prone to worrying and imagine receiving news of shootings every day, a kidnapping for a ransom of 5 million, or teacher from a school 15 mins from your home having their fingers cut off. The truth is reported on the news often enough that I do not need to exaggerate. But this post isn’t about the crisis back home. It’s about what this time, living with this fear and constantly receiving news like this, has taught me about my faith, and my position on my Christian journey. This period, particularly the over-thinking I’ve done this past week has left me with two lessons I’ll be sharing here: On a particularly bad day last week the thoughts of dying hit peak while I was talking with a cherished friend who unknowingly said something hurtful, something that killed some hope I’d had in our relationship. That night I cried thinking of a different type of dying- dying hope. I learned an important lesson then, untimely death scares a lot of us not for what it is (we don’t feel the impact of our death ourselves) but for what it means. It often means the end of hopes enjoy fruits of our labor, feeling some success and some modicum of happiness at the end of the struggle. Christians are often thought to think of this world as a temporary place, we’re passing through. While the ideology is foundational of our faith, I think it’s simplistic to say ‘don’t think of the here and now’. I have learned from this time that we must be more honest, yes we have hope in a life after death, but I also have hope in God bringing about a future I hope for. We invest a lot in that hope of a future we hope for, we work hard in the here and now, to be good disciples while on earth, to have good relationships to live fulfilled lives. So let’s not sum up fear of death and bodily harm to an unwillingness to pass on physically. To me, it’s sometimes an unwillingness to believe God would let all the effort, the dreams sown in your heart be fruitless. Living unhappily, with no hope for the here and now is in itself another type of dying we rarely speak of. Suffice it to say, that as I overanalyzed everything last week I felt like the writer of the book of Ecclesiastes, wondering why we all try so hard and whether it was even worth it. As I was leaving one WhatsApp chat to another discussing my anxiety, plans, questions etc. a friend brought something to my attention which would be my 2nd lesson in this period. She had noted that when I have a decision to make, or some issue on my plate, I repeat the same pattern for dealing it. I say I’m praying over that thing- and I do- but then I carry whatever it is to whoever I can, flesh out the worry, analyze the issue several times with 20 different people, collecting all their opinions till I’ve talked more than I’ve prayed. Debated and questioned more than I could ever hope. At the end of this- the end comes when I’m just plain tired and or have run out of people I like enough to share the issue with- I resign to whatever would be. Such that my trust in God’s will is more out of resignation than actual faith. The friend who brought this pattern to my attention also encouraged me to re-read the book of James. Shortly after I started it, I found verses which summed my actions up exactly James 1:6-7). I meditated on that verse had a heart to heart with another Christian sister-friend and in the course of conversation came up with the term ‘prayer/worry hoarder’ describing my habit for needing other people to help me worry, asking them to pray for what I’ve prayed for and worry about what I’m worrying over- rather than trusting. The revelation into this habit hasn’t resolved anything, I’m still anxious. Yet now I’m conscious of this pattern of mine and taking steps to curb my doubt-based behavior. For instance, knowing
…And that is the story of how I became a Christian.
Hello, I’m Monique and today, 11th October 2018, makes me twenty-nine years old. I added an About My Faith page to this blog at the start of this year as I felt I could do more to share my faith. Recently, after being touched by the testimonies of undergrads shared at the church I’m presently attending and I decided to make an attempt at sharing my salvation story via video. I soon concluded that writing would enable me to be more concise. So with this piece, I share how it all began, or a testimony of how I came to commit to the Christian Journey. I hope my experience with God’s love inspires you on your journey and relationship with God too. *** To begin, I must acknowledge that by some measures, or common (mis)conceptions of what being a Christian is in our society- speaking from a Cameroonian perspective here- one could claim I have always been a Christian. Being born into a family which identifies as Christian, being baptized before I could talk, and being confirmed/taking my first communion by the age of 15 even though I can’t say what that really meant despite the required doctrinal lessons. In fact, I clearly recall that I begged to have my confirmation in school so I could belong, could join the line for communion when others went up and could have my ‘first communion party’ in school which would be a sort of visiting Sunday – cherished by boarding students. So, by the average demographic measure, I was a Christian from age 2, and a fully practicing one by age 15 with my baptismal and communion cards to prove it. Of course, the average view is often wrong. My not being a Christian was obvious in the fact that going to church was an event, not an act of worship nor fellowship. It was something to dress up for once a week. Morning devotions were routines, the songs were the only entertainment we young people were permitted to dance to and the prayers before meals were customary. Something done mindlessly, or out of fear of food-poisoning as seen on Nollywood films. Knowing this, I can say my Christian journey actually began in April of 2007. With neither, a baptism nor a ‘confirmation’. Rather, like most things in Christianity, it began with my pain and death, or my attempted death. *** At the time, I was 17 years old and alone in my cousin’s apartment in Yaoundé after dropping out of school. I had been effectively disowned by most of the family because I decided leave boarding school and was ready to return to the US where my mom and brother were, my cousin who had the apartment likewise left me without a word when he had an opportunity to leave the country. There’s a lot of background to this, but suffice it to say, you should picture a 17-year-old with loads of anger, self-esteem, and belonging issues. One who can’t quite put a finger on the intensity of the emotional pains she feels, knows little about the world, less about her family and no French at all but is now stranded in a francophone city. I was literally at my end. With no adult supervision, after I found out through a friend of my cousins that he had left the country, I began selling stuff to passersby outside the apartment so I could buy food to eat. I did that with some success considering my horrible French LOL! I soon got tired though, soon got fed up and the vacuum I had always filled with food just kept growing. So when I came across a bottle of Advil with expired Ibuprofen tablets already molding to dust form, I thought I’d found the perfect escape route. I was obviously unwanted, unloved and not understood- even by myself. I couldn’t see any reason to keep going, it all seemed like vanity. Wake, eat, perhaps study to impress some people you don’t even like, sleep and repeat. That was life as I knew it. I took a handful of those pills, dressed up and climbed into bed fully intending to die like ‘sleeping beauty’ I still had my vanity. And I recall thinking as I fell asleep crying in bed that I was going to have some very harsh words for God when I met him upon death. But I didn’t die. I slept deep, perhaps from the pills, perhaps from the tears. But I know it was longer than usual for me. Still, I woke up, by myself, feeling nauseous and running to the bathroom to throw up. I spewed out everything I’d consumed and could taste the bitter ibuprofen in my bile. As I was washing up and struggling to get my mouth to taste normal again, I thought of how unfair it was that I couldn’t even die in peace. I was interrupted by a knock on the door and when I went to answer it, the young girl who served my Anglophone neighbors as a house-help was there. She seemed a bit shy but had worked up the courage to come to ask me to teach her how to make pancakes. I had given her some pancakes before, out of guilt. She often cleaned my end of the corridor when she did her chores so I gave her pancakes once as compensation. This girl, who was at least 13 and at most 15 in age had never had that simple pleasure before and had seemingly waited till her bosses had left so she could ask me for how to do it. It was the small thing really but after feeling so useless that you would try to take your own life, being asked to teach someone how to make pancakes has some significance. As I taught her that day, I learned more about her. How she could only complete Primary school in the village and then her mother asked that she follow
Checkpoints on the Christian Journey
Recently I decided to re-read Rick Warren’s A Purpose Driven Life. This book had a great impact on my discovering my purpose for life, developing a willingness to live a ‘good’ life and commitment to the Christian journey. I always recommend it to those I’m mentoring because I feel Pastor Warren writes clearly, directly and asks poignant questions which anyone can relate to. I’ve read it three times now, taking each of the 40 days as though it were the first time. As I go through it again in these days leading up to my birthday, I can see what struck me the first time I read it is not what stands out for me now. What I highlighted the first two times are interesting and undoubtedly worth noting. Yet, I see not that what was important to me then is no longer the lesson I need to learn. At the end of each day’s reading, I consider the ‘Question to Ponder On’ and not how my responses to the questions are vastly different in this third round. This spoke to me, so I decided to write about noticing growth over the Christian journey. We often feel like we’re stagnant in our faith, at least I do. In some ways, I’m fine with it my level of faith, but in other ways, I notice that others are more certain, more trusting, more convicted and seemingly hear God’s voice in the way I never have. If you have felt like I have, then this message is for you. Note your growth in the little things, this is a journey but not a race. You’re not competing with anyone. You’re being grown; lovingly and perhaps slowly, but you are growing. As I re-read this book, I have noted particular evidence of growth often overlooked- Change in Motives. The phrase ‘God looks at the heart’ is often repeated in Christian space. Yet its often uttered in a way that suggests God looks who you are inside as opposed to physical traits or refers to God looking at one’s reasons for doing something like charity. All these are correct. But recently, I became conscious of how the reasons for my praying for something matters and determines the maturity of the Christian’s request. For instance, when a lot of us pray for prosperity what drives our desire for it? It’s not a bad thing but unless we are asking for it with a motive that gives glory to God then our motives are selfish.Another example on considering motives; On several occasions I have left a church service sad and unimpressed, saying that I felt nothing, likely heard little because of my hearing impairment and so got little out of it. This has often been an excuse for me to stay home and not go to church, I might as well try to get a connection in my own room I’d say. This shows my primary motive for going to church was not to worship God – as should be. My primary motive was myself, going to refill myself with the ‘feeling’ I’d hoped for. And while that is not a bad thing, it shouldn’t have been the primary thing.I’m appreciating this ‘checkpoint’. It forces me to check why I want something so bad, defend my desires and let me tell you, my prayer often sound like a court brief prepared by a lawyer. It is an amazing feeling to know how you may have the same desires but the reasons you want them now are different… In what ways have you noted your growth? What checkpoints have you come along in your Christian journey?I’d love to hear from you!
Ask Yourself: What am I supposed to Be Learning Now?
The past few weeks have been a struggle with regards to my faith. I’m not where I want to be, there’s no guarantee of me getting where I want to be. It’s something God either blesses me with or not. I can’t earn it. Can’t ‘deserve’ it. Can only pray and hope I’m granted this particular desire. And as this runs around in my mind, the fact that this thing I desire so much is not guaranteed no matter what I do, I feel desolate in waiting. In this state, I didn’t – still don’t- feel like writing an ‘About My Faith’ entry for this month but have to continue for the sake of commitment. So as I considered what I was going to write on I thought of a statement a friend had made when we discussed my not-so-patient wait for the desires I can’t ‘work’ for. She said “try to determine what God wants you to learn in this period. Don’t let your mind be clouded by your frustration over waiting. Learn in the wait.” Now, this is one of those lessons you know to be true facts BUT not something you want to hear at a time when you’re fine being pitiful and bemoaning your fate. Nevertheless, the statement had stayed with me and came to me as I considered the About My Faith post for this month. Particularly because it reminded me of a blog post I published on the Anglophone Crisis in Cameroon in February of 2017 entitled “What’s Happening in Cameroon? Learning I Hope”. Like Cameroon, in going through a crisis, I hope we are all learning. It is hoped that we take away something. It is my prayer that the struggle, the wait, and stress eventually make sense. For now, I’m engaging myself in asking what I have learned in the last year that I hadn’t known before. I ask myself, in what ways have I GROWN in this wait. I have found that it’s a way to cheer myself up; a way to feel better about the situation I can’t help and trust that God does indeed know what he’s doing. So join me this month as I make a list of lessons I am learning. Note, you must not have learned the lessons in all yet. It’s enough to recognize that it’s something you have been taught and are in the process of learning. Appreciate the little growth. May Grace continue to carry us on the journey.
How a Reading Challenge Led to a Lifestyle Change…
Somethings we know, but don’t know. You know? Like we all know we could do more if we spend the first hour of our day effectively. But we STILL roll-over and check our phone for notifications first thing in the morning. Knowledge doesn’t always render one better action. And as I’m known to say, knowing your problem is the first step, but still, it’s only one of many, many more. Yeah, not such a motivational statement so perhaps you shouldn’t quote me. Well, one of those lessons we all know is the point of this piece… We all know consistency and perseverance yields fruits. There’s not a single motivational speaker, preacher, teacher and parent who hasn’t hammered “just keep going” into their speech, book, sermon- you name it. And still, this knowledge floats like a lily-pod on the rivers of our thoughts. Just there, acknowledged but not really seen, nor wholeheartedly believed for the fact that it is. After all, is it is to ‘just keep going’ and find out if that works? Not so recently I took up a challenge that made me really LEARN this lesson and it led to several impressive lifestyle changes which have so far impacted my health, Christian journey and general outlook on life. In 2015 I was fortunate to be one of 25 young African women to be awarded a MILEAD fellowship. This marked my entry into an international sisterhood I appreciate more and more each year. Your network is indeed your net worth people. Well, late in 2017, an opportunity was shared for members of this network. It was a 25 week reading challenge called the KK Reading Prize. Those interested in joining were called upon to register; we would need to read a suitable book a week for 25 weeks, write short book reports stating the gist, how it impacted us personally and professionally, what we liked and disliked and a quote which stood out. For our efforts, we stood a chance to win 1000USD. I swear I read that email twice and responded with interest faster than I’ve replied to messages from a crush. If you know me, you know I like reading. Love books! Advocate for reading and consider gifts of books as equal to gifts of money. So, an opportunity to get paid for reading obviously sounded like God saying, here you go, have a gift. Well, not quite. The contest was to officially begin with our submitting our first book reports on Monday the 3rd of October 2017. Unfortunately, I found myself facing the unexpected problem of internet shutdown as the Anglophone crisis peaked on the 1st of October 2017 with declarations of ‘independence’. I sent SMS to other MILEAD fellows and explained my situation. I eventually sent in that first submission as soon as I could travel to Douala in the neighboring region (Internet Cameroon). That internet ban was shorter, we received access within a week. I should have been on track after that, submitting my reports regularly. Life soon proved that it wasn’t that simple. I found that even with something you love doing, you need to program it in. I found that few good things happen by chance and I learned a lot about myself over the 25 weeks of the reading challenge. First off, as per the contest rules, we were to read ’empowering books for professional and personal development’. This forced me out of my ‘comfort zone’ of pop and literary fiction. I struggled slightly but eventually found adequate books. Still, reading them and writing on them took a lot more effort than I had envisaged. I came to the realization that though I could read pop-fiction on the road, or anywhere for that matter, this wasn’t the case for heavier literature. Reading for me has always been about escape. I needed books and used them to get away from reality. With the literature prescribed by the contest, however, this was not possible. I had to confront myself through the literature. Confront myself and see that I was my own stumbling block, my own greatest problem. While reading the likes of I am Malala and The Diary of Anne Frank was inspiring it also made me feel like a failure and shamed me for what were current complaints. So during the challenge I always found myself reading two books, I would have my favorite Nora Roberts’ or Lauri Kubuitsile book on my bedside cupboard and the ‘required’ suitable book for the challenge would sit on my work-table. Because that was ‘work’. I struggled to finish the self-help and suitable books most weeks- even though I’d read Harry Potter (book seven) in less than 10 hours. The experience showed me how dire my escapist tendency was. This wasn’t about just a contest any longer, was I escaping, what else was it affecting aside from a challenge? Upon reflection? A great deal. I noticed how I escape reading certain books in the Bible altogether, How meditating for long is difficult for me. It forces me to think on issues I’d rather avoid so a brief prayer and song should do. I noticed how in escaping the pain my diary entries were sporadic, I would have to write later, struggling to find words to express feelings which we now stale for being shut away till I forced myself to open the box I’d locked them in. That is the greatest difficulties I face in writing. Over those weeks I faced another challenge, time management. Like most people, I’m a horrible procrastinator. Still, I’ve been praised for my discipline and goal-mindedness so often I believed the voices of others rather than taking an honest look at myself. I mean, yes as compared to several friends, I have more discipline. But then compared with others I know, I’m undisciplined and do bare-minimum at last-minute. Like Cameroon choosing to belong to CEMAC rather than ECOWAS, I had been placing myself in the group where I looked better off. When those easily impressed people said remarked on my ‘great discipline’ I should have
Be THAT Christian Friend
I’ve observed that the Christian journey is too often a lonely one. Despite the fact that the Bible prioritizes fellowship. Today we’ve limited fellowship to church services, choir meetings and if we’re particularly fastidious we are members of Bible study. I do not mean to suggest any of these are the ‘wrong’ way of fellowship. But these are far from enough. Very far. These groups have activities which are scheduled. You come in, sing songs, pray, listen to a sermon, talk about contributions for this or that and leave till next week. There’s very little change, week after week. Very little digging below the surface. And unless the topic of the sermon or bible study resonates with what one member is going through at the time, they may not have the opportunity to raise their problem for joint contemplation. It’s just the way it is, irrespective of the church, meetings have schedules and when there are more than three people involved it is difficult enough to fit conversations within a schedule and have members bond to the level of sharing personal trials. This is where friends come in. We need friends. And while I encourage have both Christian and non-Christian friends, I am focusing on Christian friends for this post. So, I’ll repeat that we need Christian friends. Friends who will understand the call you have been given, what you believe in, why you aspire after what you do, why certain things may matter so much and other things matter so less. Friends to turn to for accountability, for support when things just don’t make sense, to share corny Christian jokes with, to have debates on issues of faith with, and who would say a prayer when you are too tired and resigned to pray for yourself. We need Christian friends. In my opinion, we need them more than we need the plethora of church activities (although that may be a great place to find one). See a true friend knows you, a great deal about you and still loves you. A true friend will tell you what you NEED to hear even if you do not WANT to hear it. A true friend would empathize, check on you, ask you about that assignment you were struggling with even when you thought they had forgotten. With a true friend, you can be comfortable to be your true self, say it like it is, bare your soul, dreams, fears and all. A true friend is a confidant, something your pastor or priest could never be no matter the number of confessions you do. A true Christian friend goes a step further; they will pray for you, pray with you, find the right verse or resource in hope it will speak to you or further encourage you, question you, question with you, traverse the Christian journey with you, grow with you, and they will accept you- flaws and all, trainee Christian that you are. Indeed, we all need a Christian friend. But, I’ve observed it is very rare to find one. Oh, Christians have tons of friends, but the person I’ve described above? A rarity. To have such a friend is to be willing to be vulnerable, to reveal that we are very flawed, something we can do to God in our silent prayers, but are unwilling to divulge to another human being. To have such a friend also means succeeding to find someone who is willing to be vulnerable with you. Someone who is willing to love and put as much effort in the job/relationship of being your Christian friend as they are with their other relationships and life purposes. To have such a friend means having found someone you can confide in with no condemnation, who you can discuss ALL of you with, who allows you to be yourself even while challenging you to be your best. I believe our best fellowship happens with friends like these. I also believe a lot of us are failing at our individual journeys, struggling under the weight of it all alone because we have heard too often “that salvation is personal’ and lack such friendships. This should not be so,. With this post, I urge you to check on your Christian friends and invest in a strong Christian friendship today. If you can’t find one, please be one. Be the kind of friend someone could share their heart with, be the friend who will care enough to check on another, to ask questions below the surface, to allow and encourage others to be themselves, to create a nonjudgmental space, and to be vulnerable. Be THAT kind of Christian friend. The Christian journey is tough and too often lonely, fill a vacancy.