Dear Readers, You’re cordially invited to do some mid-year reflection with me. This month in 2021, I was battling with suicide ideation. This same month last year, I signed a covenant with God concerning my life, vowing never to express/act on my desire to take my life again. There’s been a lot of work between those years: therapy, vulnerability, medication, support from friends and growth. I don’t take it for granted that I have access to these things, yet I don’t want to give the impression that things are now ‘completely fine’. I still struggle mentally; just this past week, getting out of bed was somewhat of a struggle because hormones will hormones. Besides, as I’ve expressed in previous blogs- mental health struggles are often struggles you’ll have to overcome by walking through, not skipping over. It might never be erased completely, but hopefully, we will get to where we can deal with the ish with healthy coping mechanisms daily. That brings me to the reason for this post. I’m honouring the significance of this day in previous years by reflecting on how far I’ve come. Even though I still have regular lows, I must acknowledge that I have come from the person who saw nothing to live for in 2021 to the person who surrendered decision-making power on whether/when/how they live or die to God in 2023 and to this person who now has an updated bucket list of experiences they want to live out and an elaborate list of aspirations they are dreaming of. If that’s not a testimony, I don’t know what is. So, join me in thanking God and by reflecting on how you are, too. You may not be battling similar issues as I am, but I trust life gives all of us baggage to deal with. In recent times, I’ve found that being an adult, the awareness of all that needs to be done, all that is wrong, and the fatigue from the never-ending hustle and battling the same-ish for so long makes appreciating little things like the colour of the sky difficult. This is why reflection, like meditation, is a practice I want to do more of: ‘ touch the grass’ and take stock more holistically. But then, I’m an overthinker, so this might be something I’m prone to do- self-interrogation. Anyway, you’re invited to join me. I have curated a list of questions below for mid-year reflection, which I invite you to answer along with me. I answer the questions in the video embedded below. I’ll go first… Now, don’t be shy; tell me how your responding to the above questions went.
A conversation with Fungai Machirori
Last year I shared a great deal about my mental health struggles openly via my blog and this caught the interest of a ‘Digital Native’ and #Afrifem sister Fungai Machirori. She invited me on her podcast for a conversation on what it takes to engage publicly about struggling with mental health issues as an African woman. See our conversation here: https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-3ck7b-14a022a
Demystifying Mental Health- Episode 2
as I meditated it was clear that I couldn’t share the story of my baptism- this renewal of vows and symbol of being ‘reborn’ – without speaking of how I have sought death.
An Interview with Myself on Depression: Episode 1
Mental health is gaining traction, more people are speaking up which is great. Getting therapy is becoming normalized (at least via Western media)- also great. But as with most things, “trending” comes along with distortion and confusion and a lot of ignorance. Between November 2020 and April 2022 I have struggled with recurring episodes of severe depression to the point that I can say my great achievement of the last 17 months has been surviving. I promised that if I survive it I’ll tell the tale because I think one of the hardest things is explaining to our family/friends what depression is. Especially when they expect/assume you to be okay. Because loving someone with a mental health problem is hard… yourself included. And because we cannot truly ‘normalize’ and properly address what we do not understand. But writing about experiencing mental health issues is hard. Mostly because writing it out means thinking about it and it is easier to escape. For instance, I have been wanting to write about my emotional eating forever. Hoping that writing would bring some sort of healing, that if I express it, it could be diagnosed understood, and I could be fixed. But I haven’t been able to; writing requires you to think/feel what you want to express and what I want to express is the fact that I eat to cope with hard emotions. Hence writing would be evoking the hard emotions making you want to eat more. I’ve regularly ended up self-soothing with food while writing/thinking of writing about self-soothing with food. So this has taken forever… That is why I’m trying this strategy: an interview with myself. Responding to questions directly, The interview format is kind of like using 2nd person. The topic is still hard, but the use of delimited question help so that feelings don’t flood all at once. You can think of it as a test you’re answering and not a baring of yourself So over a set of instalments which I’ll put on my blog under the category of #DemystifyingMentalHealth, I’ll share interviews on different aspects of mental health issues and wellness. Hopefully, it helps someone. Most of the questions I have responded to in this episode are from my friend Ettamba; if you have questions you’d like me to answer, drop them in the comment section and I’ll consider them for the next segment **** On Depression (Questions from Ettamba) When you say you have depression what do you mean and how was it different from being sad? It’s taken me a while to understand depression as a condition, specifically clinical depression as a disease which is different from sadness. And even longer for me to acknowledge it as a thing given that it’s not adequately acknowledged among Cameroonians… and sometimes I still falter over whether I’m ‘claiming negativity’ as some Christians and ‘toxic positivity’ people put it… In 2018 when I first decided to really seek help understanding what this is. I went to my university’s health centre and scheduled a session with a psychologist and asked them to test me so I can see/have an actual diagnosis. I wanted something like an x-ray to show a broken mind and explain why I was not okay… I needed something to explain that this was not a passing feeling of sadness but something much deeper rooted and that my helplessness in the face of it wasn’t made up. The psychologist explained depression in this way: everyone has hormones which affect how they feel and the balance or imbalance of those hormones means you are generally starting off from one of three points- She drew lines on a piece of paper to explain this… Very happy —————————————————————————————————– Neutral ———————————————————————————————————— Very sad ———————————————————————————————————– Non-clinically depressed people were those who mostly start off at the neutral line, so when they get sad, they can fall below the neutral line when things are bad, but not so much they are at nothing. Likewise, it’s easier for them to go up to happy zones because they’re starting off midway. But clinically depressed people, she explained start off below the neutral line. It is harder for them to go into the happy zone- it takes more effort… and it is easier for them to go down to the low point because they’re already below neutral… I like her explanation and it stayed with me. However, I must say the most accurate explanation of what depression is- for me- how it differs from just sadness was found in Harry Potter. Yes, I know how that sounds. But still, Harry Potter (book 3, in particular) has the best non-medical, for-the-average-person explanation of depression I’ve read. In it, Harry is having a horrible reaction to Dementors which one can see as vectors of depression. As he is more sensitive to Dementors he wonders if it’s because he’s weaker than his peers; the following is a conversation from that book that captures it: “… I suppose they [Dementors] were the reason you fell?” “Yes,” said Harry. He hesitated, and then the question he had to ask burst from him before he could stop himself. “Why? Why do they affect me like that? Am I just —?” “It has nothing to do with weakness,” said Professor Lupin sharply, as though he had read Harry’s mind. “The Dementors affect you worse than the others because there are horrors in your past that the others don’t have…” “…Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth… they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you…You’ll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life. And the worst that happened to you, Harry, is enough to make anyone fall off their broom. You have nothing to feel ashamed of.” Replace Dementors with depression or triggers of depression and you’ll get it. People with clinical
Vlog: What I Would Like to Share from My Fitness Journey
Hello there!I hope the year is going good so far. This month I haven’t been musing about much other than the deadlines I need to meet! So I asked for suggestions from friends on what to blog about. Several suggested that I blog about my fitness journey. I have written a bit about how my decision to work on getting healthier has been wrongly perceived before (see HERE), so I was (and still am) reluctant to go into details. But, a recent realization of the toll self-improvement has on our mental health made me consider tackling the suggested topic from a different perspective. I felt the need to talk directly rather than write what needs to be said out. So I hope you enjoy this month’s vlog and do leave a comment. Let’s discuss this!
What I Wish I Could Tell my Younger Self About Depression & the Things I Still Need to learn.
In Cameroon, you can be depressed for months without your roommate or neighbor being aware. Most likely this is not something limited to Cameroon, depression- emotional and mental health or the lack thereof is often overlooked in many countries around the world. But I can only speak for mine.The truth is you can suffer from depression without knowing it yourself, you may know something is different, something is wrong, you feel off, but you do not know what it is unless you have been made aware of such a thing being ‘a thing’. It is life, you’d say. There are phases like that, you’ll be told. As I considered depression of recent, my own experiences with it and those of my friends I thought to do a post on what I wish I had known, what I am still to learn. I hope it helps someone, in some way.I wish I could tell my teenage self that: 1- When they say ‘this too shall pass’ they mean it. It may not feel like it but time does dull the pain. This is not to say you easily forget it, no, you shall remember and it will return again and again if you do not properly heal. Healing means facing it, dissecting it, not binge eating and sleeping to forget. This too shall pass, but this too may return/will return till you confront it.2- The fact that you feel hatred for yourself and feel others hate you does not mean you deserve it. Your self-hatred is taught, and you will need to unlearn it. You will need to question its root, why and where it stems from, you will need to examine the legitimacy of the source. You should not hate yourself because of the message you have imbibed from lofty sources. Your love for self is necessary for anything and everything else.3- Having suicidal thoughts does not make you a coward. Contrary to what those around you think, thoughts of taking your own life are rooted in an uncommon amount of pain. That few people have the strength to bear or the valor to address. Be proud of every time you overcome.4- Talk to your friends, write yes, read books yes, listen to music yes, pray definitely. But talk to other people. Expressing your feelings is not enough, you will need to learn empathy, gain wider perception to overcome. Your diary cannot talk you off the ledge, you will need other people to show you why you shouldn’t be there at all. The right people. You will find them when you search without prejudice.5- Do not blame your people for not understanding you. For not understanding depression. Emotional pain is often felt only after the most basic needs of subsistence have been addressed. Not all can see the hunger of your heart and mind, most are too busy trying to address the primary hunger of the stomach, basic needs of shelter, security, clothing, schooling. Things you often take for granted because they are overshadowed by the other pain you know.6- Knowing your purpose will ground you. You will know you are needed, you are valued and you are meant to be alive. The sooner you find it the better.7- You have baggage and it makes you a pretty complex person. Your complexity is as beautiful as it is difficult. Your baggage will give you an edge over others in some ways, you will be able to empathize where some cannot, you will be able to perceive in ways some cannot. Your baggage, the pain of past experiences may eventually help you do what you are destined to do better. I still need to learn: 1- You do not ‘get over’ depression. Like cancer, it likely returns, the tumor in a different place altogether. Also like cancer, it is not a death sentence, there will be good days and bad. It is not merely a matter of feelings. It is very scientific, hormone imbalance. While you play a role in his (understand your depression but do not wallow in it) it is not merely you.2- You do not need to prove your worth. You are enough as is. You do not need to pretend you can do it all on your own. Seek help. Read. Pray.3- As Mariah sang, love takes time. Same applies for loving yourself. To love yourself does not mean liking every bit of cellulite and stutter in your speech. To love is to see the flaws, weaknesses appreciate honestly, embrace and engage. Because you are more than the flaws no matter how glaring on the bad days4- Do not be shamed by your pain, do not let others project their misconceptions on you. Your sensitivity is not a fatal flaw, it takes more strength to show your weaknesses than it does to hide them. In the words of Brenne Brown, vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage. 5- Not everyone will get it, mental health isn’t given as much regard as it should be. Try to explain if you can, but if you can’t that is just fine, you are not obligated to. Seek those that do understand how debilitating an anxiety attack might be, or how certain incidents may trigger binge-eating.6- Knowing your purpose may have grounded you, but life will still knock you off your feet. The senseless death, the hate, the injustice will have you remembering why you once thought suicide made sense. Being knocked off your feet does not mean you remain there. Cry, pray, do something positive for you, do something positive for someone else. Practice self-care, be intentional about your emotional health, just as someone with allergies would be intentional about what they eat.Invest in your happiness, read, listen to music, talk with a friend, rest. Repeat till you feel better. Repeat again the next time you get sucker-punched by life. Again, this too shall pass.7- You have baggage. This baggage makes you a complex being. Your complexity is