Christian Journey - Espace Monique Kwachou

Is There a Need for Reconciling my Faith and Feminism on the Issue of Virginity?

November 11, 2019 No Comments

Recently, the internet was buzzing with news, opinions, and jokes on African-American rapper T.I’s declaration that he regularly takes his daughter for a virginity test. As I followed the conversation, I noted that a lot of those who claimed they “could not get why the father was receiving backlash” supported T.I using Christianity and moral dictates. I found that interesting and weigh in with this month’s #AboutMyFaith installment in yet another video. Here you go: The Christian faith is notoriously silent on issues of sex and sexuality. As if not speaking about it makes it go away. In fact, the church often follows Ostrich-like methods in dealing with a lot of sticky issues; from abuse to racism. For this reason, I’m glad some Christians are using alternative platforms to speaking up about what is not discussed in church frankly. I recently enjoyed a discussion by Melissa and Kevin Fredericks via their Love Hour podcast on a similar sticky topic (pun intended). Do check them out and as always, please let me know your thoughts!

Let’s talk ‘Spiritual Fathers/Mothers’

September 30, 2019 No Comments

Shortly after my last retreat, I had a conversation with one of my friend’s older sister. Since hearing me talk about mental health struggles she- like many others- seems to have the idea that I am what the bible describes as a ‘baby in faith’. On my part, I don’t deny this. I’ll happily be a baby in faith to everyone including God. Too many people trying to claim spiritual adulthood without considering that true growth requires tons of pain. Whether I am a baby-in-faith or adolescent or whatever stage of the journey I am on however is something I know only God can determine. What she was doing is patronizing judging. But then, most of us are guilty of that. God knows I’ve done my share. So I recognized it and accepted it with a shrug. With that background, you can understand that when I told her I had taken a retreat and felt the experience really grew me, she still had her misgivings. She asked me “who led you through the retreat, I told her that an older Christian friend of mine ‘held my hand’ through it. She said “Yes, but what man of God?’ and I could sense the judgment so I made it clear that I had received some counseling from my pastor. Then she said: “I really think you would do better with a spiritual father”. Right then, I felt myself go tense, as the one who sought and experienced the retreat, I was wondering what made this other person deem it not good enough and in need of improvement for ‘better’. But when that initial annoyance at the dismissal of my experience not being good enough, passed. I was able to query her on the notion of Spiritual fathers. Why do you think I need a spiritual father? She responded that I could use with someone stronger in faith to shepherd me. That choice of words and my experience with acquaintances who often speak of their ‘spiritual parents’ left me disturbed. So I’m making this post as a call for public opinion. I may overthink wording as a writer/lover of words. But I think we call all agree that the words one uses matter… When you say someone is your father, you put them in a position of authority with responsibility. The church encourages the practice of godparents who are to assist parents in raising the children and in some cultures step in when parents pass away. But this is different from the idea behind spiritual fathers/mothers as used today. From talking with this friend and others I have gleaned that one’s spiritual father is deemed their intercessor, the one who helps them become better Christians, the one to whom they confess, who corrects them, who counsels them in making life-changing decisions, who helps them interpret the bible and much more. I once asked a friend who spoke of such what theologians and pastors are for then? Her response? Pastors cannot possibly develop sufficient familiarity with all their church members so spiritual fathers are necessary. That may be the strongest argument I’ve heard for ‘spiritual parents’. It is very true, that as our churches grow in size the connection/fellowship is often watered down and it is hard for pastors to actually shepherd. Yet given my experience; the things expected of spiritual fathers/mothers, the role-play in the relationships and most importantly, the basis for selection of hints of idolatry. I know we often think of idolatry as worshiping some statue, but one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in the course of my Christian journey is that idolatry is sneaky and rarely ever that straight forward. It is often as simple as extreme reverence, placing a human on a pedestal they shouldn’t be on, valuing something- anything- more than we value God. It’s a more common sin that we think. Idolatry is often performed in the church itself; we often put our religious leaders on pedestals forgetting that they too are human. Because ‘the man of God’ said it, it must be true. We don’t try to get to know God for ourselves, content with what the pastor shares on Sunday. This shouldn’t be the case. The idolizing of church leaders is often accepted (even expected) based on their authority as trained theologians, and recognized leaders of the congregation. With regards to ‘spiritual fathers/mothers’ however, the basis for idolizing is even less substantial because most spiritual fathers/mothers have not really trained in theology, nor even as counselors. They also do not have institutions that can call them to order or reign in their influence. And what is most disturbing, their accreditation is often human judgment. They are spiritual mothers/fathers because they are perceived to be more ‘spiritual’ than the ‘children’, closer to God, more able to interpret the word, more ‘professional’ Christians. No one should be thought of as ‘spiritually higher’ to the point of being our intercessor- that is Christ’s job as our High Priest. No one should be charged with being an interpreter of the word on our behalf, we have been given the Holy Spirit to enable that for us. Mind you, I do not mean to deny that some people are more spiritually mature than others based on their length of time in the Christian journey, experiences, spiritual gifts and regular study of the world. Yet, as Christians, we ALL have equal access to God. We are all his children. And as, Priscilla Shirer is noted for saying, God doesn’t have grandchildren. We can and should go to those we see as more spiritually mature for mentoring. But we need to also keep in mind that we are not God, and how we measure spiritual maturity may not be how he measures Christianity. A new ‘baby’ Christian can teach a great deal as well. So let’s talk: what is your take on this? What is a spiritual father/mother to you? What role do they play in your life?

A Lesson From A Recent Retreat

August 11, 2019 2 Comments

Today marks exactly two months to my 30th Birthday. I always do a sort of retreat towards my birthday, either the week leading up to or the month or- like last year, retake the 40 day reading/meditation of Rick Warren’s A Purpose Driven Life. This time I want to go into the new decade with joy and not following a period of petitioning God. Don’t get me wrong, those retreats always end with renewed hope which is why they’re needed and valued. But as things stand now, I wanted to get the petitioning part out of the way two months before so all I’ll be doing towards that time is thanksgiving and celebrating. Well, I don’t consider myself a ‘master’ at retreats and I struggle with making room for God and shutting distractions out as much as everyone else- if not more. But, I feel like I can share something from my experience(s) with such efforts which is why I’m writing this. How to know you need a retreat. Usually, we have something push us to our knees prior to making a move to fast or shut ourselves off seeking God. Sadly, it takes that much to get us to run towards God but it is a fact that without the illness, the frustration, the painful limp we’d likely think we’re doing just fine and never make an intentional effort to seek him. When things are going well we say a cursory prayer of thanks, but when things are not going well? We get into bible exegesis and battle mode. It is in that point where we question, seek and so find. I doubt Job would have ever had those deep conversations with his friends about God without his life being ruined. Still, perhaps you’re one of the really good Christians, one of those mature enough to seek God without having to be pushed against the wall with a crisis first, then likely you may just sense that you’ve not been able to meditate with depth. You may feel the Spirit move you to do a deeper study of scripture. Or commit to praying for a certain thing/people etc. Whether it’s a push factor or a pull factor, taking a retreat is something I find to be essential in this Christian journey. For me it’s typically the push factor, to be honest. But something I learned with this last retreat made me realize something which I think will influence future retreats as spurred by the pull factor. A lesson from the latest experience… So I took this retreat as a period of battle. I went in desperate, angry, seeking answers- in fact, demanding them. They say we should PUSH- Pray Until Something Happens- right? So that is what I would do, pray, cry, rant and self-torture all in a way to ‘twist God’s arm’. Fortunately, this time I didn’t take the retreat on my own. That made a considerable difference. I had a Christian friend guide me through, someone I could trust to be completely transparent with, who I cared enough and who could most importantly relate and so help in the right way. The fact that I had someone to be accountable to, to send meditation report to daily. Someone to debate the scripture with me, to recommend verses for meditation and to question the self-torture I was doing, the interpretations I was making… all this ensured I was doing a lot more real seeking than I had in a great while. It wasn’t just a retreat and self-denial to say “God abeg act”. It was also a searching, and trying to please God for real and not just what I think He would impress Him. It was interesting, going beyond just reading and verses and using them to back up my praying to actually studying them. Writing them out, what they mean or turning them into an exploratory exercise… this made the word come to life like never before for me. For instance. On the day we focused on thanksgiving, Phebe (the friend who guided me through) suggested Psalm 124 for meditation. As an exercise, I wrote my own interpretation of this Psalm which asks “What if the Lord had not been for us?” Several pages resulted from this as I wrote all the things that could have happened but didn’t for reasons that could only be attributed to God. By the end of the exercise, you are sure of one thing: Things may be bad, but it could have been a great deal worse if God had not orchestrated some things for reasons only he knows. Perhaps writing exercises don this time made it matter more to me since writing is my way of reflection. Perhaps something else would work for you. Yet, one thing I came away with which I want to share because I feel this is would apply to everyone is- sometimes the prayers aren’t to get you the thing you demand – or not immediately. Rather as you go seeking him, the closer you go the more you begin to question the basis of that demand, in the retreat the Spirit develops in you a desire for God which surpasses the desire for what you came to ask for. In that way, you’ve been thought to surrender. Your need has been addressed by making it null and void in the face of your need for Him. Some may read it as resignation, but it’s not. The need is still there. The desire is still there. But in seeking him you’ve been given a new perspective that dwarfs all else. As a friend says “people believe prayer changes things. But that’s not true. Prayer changes us and we change things. That is the power in the retreat. We go in with our focus on one thing and in the course of it, our focus is redirected to what God wants us to focus on. It’s a lesson I hope I remember so the

The Lies We Christians Let Slip…

July 30, 2019 2 Comments

I regularly find myself faced with a situation where I have to defend my faith based on the gullibility of some ‘Christians’ like these ones in Kenya who seemingly believed their pastor brought Jesus back to earth just for their church service… This is when unbelievers call us out like… Is this your faith? Are these your ’Men of God’? And I find myself shaking my head speechless because those antics actually deserve all the scorn they receive. Still, it is easier to recognize and call out the apparently unscrupulous acts of such imposters pandering miracles to the gullible and vulnerable than it is to recognize the fallacies adopted into our own everyday words and actions as Christians. For instance, several people believe the practice of circumcision is widely accepted as right because it is ‘Christian’ despite the fact, the bible clearly shows this is a Jewish tradition which new Gentile believers were told they did not need because of their salvation no longer depended on such rituals. Then there are some popular ‘Christian’ idioms which are completed unfounded. How often did you hear/say the phrase “salvation is personal”? We thought we were being profound with it and often used it to disavow needing to concern yourself with someone else, after all, “we should all carry our own crosses, right? Well, no. Even Christ had someone to help him with the cross to Calvary and we’re called upon to take care of each other. It’s not a competition for salvation we are all to help each other in the body of Christ. Finally, one of the most popular idioms yet ‘the Lord helps those who help themselves’. Admittedly one of my favorites, because after all, it makes sense right? Even the gospels say to those who have more will be given ???? Yet this often is often twisted to justify human attempts to earn/deserve what God gives for free. Such that Christians are told/or feel they need to do more to win what God gives by grace. In so many ways we cannot help ourselves and it is God that must meet us where we are to save us. I love how the following quote captures how this idiom misconstrues the gospel’s message: What lies/customs/idioms have you found out are false or misrepresentations of the gospel as you go along your Christian journey? Drop a comment and educate me, please!

Let’s be real: Being a Christian Is Hard.

June 30, 2019 2 Comments

Our churches are beginning to sound like the marketing interns who have been commanded to get a certain number of customers each day. Nearly every message preached speaks of Abraham’s blessings, of everlasting life, of healing, of forgiveness…. of the “Good News”. I know, I know, that is the gospel, right? It IS the Good News. And we are to preach it. But can we be real as well? Can we tell the truth, the honest-to-God-truth about actually being Christian? Being a Christian is HARD! Yes, we believe we are saved, have a heavenly father who loves us, chose us, listens to and protects us. BUT, all of these do not change the fact that actually living like a Christian is called to is extremely difficult ( Note it is impossible without the help of the Spirit but still difficult with it). Have you ever had an experience that had you looking at the sky or crying on your knees and saying “Damn, Lord you ask entirely too much”? I have. At least twice this year. Let’s put aside the popular pitfalls of fornication, lust, adultery, drunkenness and more which usually get the spotlight when people think of what makes being Christian tough. To me, those sins just get popularity because of our culture. There is a multitude of regular ways we fail at being Christian because the bar is so high- the bar is literally heavenly and divine. Being a Christian is turning the other cheek when slapped. It’s praying for the person you want to cuss out. It’s forgiving people who are not sorry. It is deciding to give of whatever little you have to the spread of the gospel which is often misunderstood and abused. Being African and Christian, being a woman and Christian is having to study and question because of how the message comes to these groups to justify wrongs. Being a Christian is resigning to the fact that your life is not yours, it’s Gods and that may mean what you want to do, will not be- rather he works our hearts to match the desires he has for us. Being a Christian is being the peacemaker when you’re most likely drained from being hit from two sides. Being a Christian is a perpetual state of self-questioning, a constant battle for self-control to not do what is ‘normal/expected’ of a human with hormones, selfish desires, and ambitions they were socialized to have. It’s believing in the unseen and imaginary- consider how hard that is in a generation where we have the motto ‘pics of it didn’t happen’. Being a Christian is doing what is right even when there are no credits to be earned because quite frankly, there ARE NO CREDITS TO BE EARNED. Being a Christian is using the long route even though you know that those who don’t go through that stress will still get to the same place. But you are following what you believe you ought to. To be truly a Christian is welcome the outcasts, love the unlovable, to resign to not understanding because A LOT does not make sense by our human logic. To be truly a Christian is to study the word for yourself and every day realize just how far removed you are from Christ-likeness. It is knowing you cannot judge because you sin differently even if society tells you ‘your own sin is better’. Trying to follow Christ is basically killing your ‘Self’ slowly. I recall a tale of Gandhi being asked about his opinion of Christianity after being given a bible to read. He responded “”I like your Christ, but not your Christianity… I read the Bible faithfully and see little in Christendom that those who profess faith pretend to see”. On this, Gandhi was undoubtedly right. To find anyone who truly emulates Christ is near mission impossible. Fortunately, we don’t need to be perfect Christians. Nor are we expected to achieve whole Christlikeness. We’re simply called upon to practice his ways and depend on his Spirit to enable us. Simple, but still extremely HARD! If you’re struggling with me, here’s me wishing you strength for the journey!

Look Back A Little More

May 29, 2019 No Comments

Motivational messages often say we shouldn’t look back on the journey. That we should forget the past and look forward in hope. They generally assume that thinking of past pains is a negative exercise. They’re not altogether wrong, but I have found that the message is not carved in stone and applicable to all situations. There is amazing strength to be found in looking back on the journey. When we face tough situations, we tend to become engrossed in them. This new problem takes over our thinking, this dilemma is unique, hard, not something we can address. We find that we are breaking, tired, done for– but that has been the case many other times in the past. We just can’t remember. We don’t look back often enough. I have a gratitude journal to practice recording thanks for things that happen through the day, it is a practice I took up to try and find joy in the midst of depression. As I packed out of my place recently, I looked back at the journals for 2016 and 2017. There was a day in 2016 where all I wrote is: Thankful for still breathing. I know it was a rough day if that’s all I could write. But I cannot remember what made it rough. That’s the irony of problems – when we’re in the middle of them, it’s all we can think of. Then when we get through it, we can barely recall it. But we should. We should mark the ways the heartbreak happened, the ways the rejection broke us, the ways we were betrayed, record the depth of the pain – and above, all, record how we grew in faith, how God got us through it. We should be able to look back on past troubles to say God got me through that one, He’ll get me through this too. I’m at crossroads in my life at the moment. For the first time in a long time, I do not know have a fixed plan- just a prayer. I’m struggling to believe that is enough. As I left home this trip unsure of how soon I am returning, it was looking back that helped renew my conviction. As I packed my stuff up, as I visited family, looked through old photos and generally took trips down memory lane, I cried and realized why the present hurt so much. But I also had renewed conviction- I literally found myself saying: “Damn, I’ve been through a lot. This isn’t so bad as that time when….” So here’s a recommendation, in addition to a gratitude journal, perhaps we should have a problem/obstacle journal. You need not write through it every day. But regularly list the things you are struggling within it as evidence of overcoming/ God’s CV of coming through in your life. That would definitely come in handy when you come to the roadblocks on your Christian journey. So here’s your call to look back: Remember the time you got an opportunity by ‘chance’ when you thought there was no way out. Remember the night you went to bed hungry, remember the rejection that you became grateful for 5 years later, remember the disagreement that kept you restless and in pain… remember that day you should have died- be amazed at how many near misses have been just that- misses. Remember the bad times, and perhaps you’ll find (as I did) that this present problem pales in comparison. So this too shall pass, this too is part of His plan. Look back and be hopeful. Because if God has gotten you through half as much as he has gotten me through then He has plans we cannot fathom. All we have to do is muster enough trust in him to not fret as he unfolds his plans. Look back and have hope.

What Lesson Are You Learning Now?

April 26, 2019 1 Comment

Dear Christian Bro/Sis, Consider this: the Christian’s life is part prep school, part boot camp. We’re being groomed, pruned, molded and made ready for life in God’s kingdom. A popular song in Cameroon goes: Holy, Heaven is Holy (2x) Only the righteous shall enter there, Heaven is Holy I used to think the song meant we need to ‘get’ holy to enter the gates, but I now understand that it is not for us to ‘get’. Heaven is indeed Holy, so throughout our lives, God sets up exercises like a trainer to make us holy to enter there. With our everyday experiences, encounters, and study of the scripture, God transforms us to be adequate enough to pass through the entrance. In sum, we’re forever students in the school of Christlikeness when we commit to this journey. You are signed up for a class right now. Do you know the course title? Can you recognize what God is teaching you? Personally, I came to realize I have been taking a college level course in Surrendering. When I returned home in December of 2018, I was praying for motivation, for a sign, for the strength to hold on to something very dear to me. Something God had given me (so obviously it’s a good thing) and something I firmly believe is crucial to God’s purpose to me. As days became weeks and months, I saw no answer to my response. Or rather, not the direct answers I expected. I became angry. Is it a yes or a no? I’d demand in prayer. I’d like a ‘yes’ of course, but if it’s a ‘no’ be more direct please, give me something else so I can let go of this thing… And that was it, the problem, I wanted to see what I was trading this treasure of mine for before I let it go. I had this image (see here) in my mind which suggests that ‘God has a bigger teddy bear for you so you can let go of yours’ but I wanted to see that teddy bear first. Like, is it a teddy bear, or a toy truck? Is it one in my favorite color? Can I have some guarantee? But as this course has taught me thus far, I was missing the point. We shouldn’t be giving up our treasure only if we can get better. Our surrender must not be conditional. It is demanded. Whether or not there is a new/bigger Teddy Bear behind his back at all, if asked we are to let go of what we’re holding on to. And this is how I learned that I was praying all wrong, I had set out my petition as a multiple choice question with certain answers I expected- call them ‘signs’. If yes, this will happen, if no then you’ll offer me this so I know for sure… As I journeyed home praying I was expecting an answer to that limited scope prayer and the ability to hold on to what I was to be surrendering in faith. In this most recent advanced course, I’ve been taught that the dilemma and lesson it holds is in itself an answer- even if its an answer to the prayer we didn’t pray!???????????? This recent lesson inspired the poem below, I hope you appreciate it and let me know what lesson you are currently learning in your own journey. Who knows, your current ‘course’ may be my next one ???? ********************************************************************************* The Surrendering I thought the journey was for affirming. And came believing I’d have a firmer clasp on emotions too effervescent, on a dream shattered and now unrecognizable. I thought by now I’d know for sure Where home is. Could be. Hoped by now I’d look at you and no longer see mixed signals I’ve found that I’d hoped wrong. The aim of this journey is never what I thought it was You did not take me on this journey to hold me, But to break me more. To do it gently in a familiar place, to do it slowly so I am not jarred When I asked you to take my hands and lead me at the start of this journey You did take my hand, but to unclasp my fist, so I let go of the little I’d managed to hold on to To bare my palm, for both of us to see the bruises on that soft flesh from years of struggling to hold what was and is only temporary. This journey has always been about my surrendering Now I know, it should be easier. Understanding ought to make things easier Yet that adage does not apply in this case. Knowing only makes me apprehensive of what is yet to come. Now that I am surrendering, I know there’s more breaking to be done.

Resolution Recommendations for Fellow Christians…

January 1, 2019 No Comments

In January of 2018, I committed to sharing my faith through blogging as well. This meant increasing my blogging frequency. All through the year, I made two posts every month; one as usual of my musings which are generally social commentary, and another post chronicling my Christian journey under my ‘About my Faith’ page. I just want to say thank you to those who have been reading and encouraging me. I pray the year 2019 ahead is a better one for us all. As we start yet another year, I have been considering what message I’d like to pass with the last/first post. This end of year period is known for being the period of pledges, resolutions, and decrees of ‘good riddance to all things bad’. So, I think in the spirit of the season, I could raise some resolutions I’m hoping other Christians would take on. Don’t worry, I won’t make a long list self-righteous of things for other people to do in the new year, we all know the longer the list of resolutions the less likely we are to achieve them. I just have three points going forward. 1- Please Be a More Conscious Christian A.K.A WOKE A week ago we celebrated 25th of December as the birthdate of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Except that date is not likely his date of birth. It’s a known fact that Christ was likely not born in December and that the date we are actually celebrating has origins in certain pagan feast which the early crusaders tried to white-wash with faith. I say all this not to deride us as Christians for celebrating Christmas, but rather to illustrate that KNOWING this did not stop me from celebrating Christ’s birth. Because of the knowledge, I do not celebrate the day but the event. which is not being heralded on that day. Yet it was necessary that I know the truth. It is necessary that we all know the origins of what we celebrate, the history of our religious days and norms. That we- especially African Christians, acknowledge that those who brought us God’s word likewise played a role in our subjugation. It is necessary to know this, to acknowledge it to have your faith questioned, tested and proven as a conscious choice rather than a passive inheritance of history, place of birth and socialization. Ours is a faith that calls us to be in a relationship with the one described as the ‘Way, the Truth and the Light’ how then can you ignore the truths of our religious history, religious institutions, and our society today? To be willingly ignorant is to have a fake relationship with the Truth. So resolve to ‘be woke’, research the answers to the hard questions, call out the church’s failure to address social issues which matter, delve into philosophy and hear arguments from those of other faiths – or no faith at all. Trust God enough to know He, being God, can handle your questioning. 2- Resolve to Read More than Just that Verse! Brethren, I beseech you, stop this cherry-picking of bible scripture. Let it end. Do you not see the hypocrisy of using a single verse from Deuteronomy or Leviticus to justify condemning some people all the while overlooking other scripture in the same chapter which ask us to not eat shrimp (crayfish)? Also, can we stop claiming the promise of blessings in a single verse at the end of the book when we failed to read the chapter full of pain and sacrifice which led to that promise? Just the other day I noticed how I was guilty of this; I have been capitalizing on the promise of Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus”. However, this verse was a prayer for the Philippians who had been helping Paul generously. It was directed at specific people in response to something and before I can claim it, I would need to have been just as generous or be generous by trusting in that scriptural promise. This is the case with many of the verses we often claim, they are often tiny excerpts of a bigger story. So resolve to read more than a single verse, to claim the promise with awareness of context and ensure you read all of Abraham’s trials before claiming Abrahamic blessings. 3- Resolve to Know What and Why You Believe I had dragged my feet about sharing my faith for a long time, but after deciding to share my conversion story in later 2018 and having to outline just why I believe and what, I now think it’s something all adult Christians should be required to do. Too many of us are Christians by indoctrination; believing because we’ve been told, not because we’ve experienced or found out for ourselves. Too many of us can’t delineate where our socialization ends and our faith starts. For this reason, we find it difficult to defend our belief (our belief- not God- God doesn’t need lawyers) without insulting a non-believer, condemning them or worse. I pray that if you’re a Christian reading this, you get to the point in your journey where you can declare your faith confidently, knowing for certain what you believe in and why. May God grow and guide you for the better in 2019.

…And that is the story of how I became a Christian.

October 11, 2018 4 Comments

Hello, I’m Monique and today, 11th October 2018, makes me twenty-nine years old. I added an About My Faith page to this blog at the start of this year as I felt I could do more to share my faith. Recently, after being touched by the testimonies of undergrads shared at the church I’m presently attending and I decided to make an attempt at sharing my salvation story via video. I soon concluded that writing would enable me to be more concise. So with this piece, I share how it all began, or a testimony of how I came to commit to the Christian Journey. I hope my experience with God’s love inspires you on your journey and relationship with God too. *** To begin, I must acknowledge that by some measures, or common (mis)conceptions of what being a Christian is in our society- speaking from a Cameroonian perspective here- one could claim I have always been a Christian. Being born into a family which identifies as Christian, being baptized before I could talk, and being confirmed/taking my first communion by the age of 15 even though I can’t say what that really meant despite the required doctrinal lessons. In fact, I clearly recall that I begged to have my confirmation in school so I could belong, could join the line for communion when others went up and could have my ‘first communion party’ in school which would be a sort of visiting Sunday – cherished by boarding students. So, by the average demographic measure, I was a Christian from age 2, and a fully practicing one by age 15 with my baptismal and communion cards to prove it. Of course, the average view is often wrong. My not being a Christian was obvious in the fact that going to church was an event, not an act of worship nor fellowship. It was something to dress up for once a week. Morning devotions were routines, the songs were the only entertainment we young people were permitted to dance to and the prayers before meals were customary. Something done mindlessly, or out of fear of food-poisoning as seen on Nollywood films. Knowing this, I can say my Christian journey actually began in April of 2007. With neither, a baptism nor a ‘confirmation’. Rather, like most things in Christianity, it began with my pain and death, or my attempted death. *** At the time, I was 17 years old and alone in my cousin’s apartment in Yaoundé after dropping out of school. I had been effectively disowned by most of the family because I decided leave boarding school and was ready to return to the US where my mom and brother were, my cousin who had the apartment likewise left me without a word when he had an opportunity to leave the country. There’s a lot of background to this, but suffice it to say, you should picture a 17-year-old with loads of anger, self-esteem, and belonging issues. One who can’t quite put a finger on the intensity of the emotional pains she feels, knows little about the world, less about her family and no French at all but is now stranded in a francophone city. I was literally at my end. With no adult supervision, after I found out through a friend of my cousins that he had left the country, I began selling stuff to passersby outside the apartment so I could buy food to eat. I did that with some success considering my horrible French LOL! I soon got tired though, soon got fed up and the vacuum I had always filled with food just kept growing. So when I came across a bottle of Advil with expired Ibuprofen tablets already molding to dust form, I thought I’d found the perfect escape route. I was obviously unwanted, unloved and not understood- even by myself. I couldn’t see any reason to keep going, it all seemed like vanity. Wake, eat, perhaps study to impress some people you don’t even like, sleep and repeat. That was life as I knew it. I took a handful of those pills, dressed up and climbed into bed fully intending to die like ‘sleeping beauty’ I still had my vanity. And I recall thinking as I fell asleep crying in bed that I was going to have some very harsh words for God when I met him upon death. But I didn’t die. I slept deep, perhaps from the pills, perhaps from the tears. But I know it was longer than usual for me. Still, I woke up, by myself, feeling nauseous and running to the bathroom to throw up. I spewed out everything I’d consumed and could taste the bitter ibuprofen in my bile. As I was washing up and struggling to get my mouth to taste normal again, I thought of how unfair it was that I couldn’t even die in peace. I was interrupted by a knock on the door and when I went to answer it, the young girl who served my Anglophone neighbors as a house-help was there. She seemed a bit shy but had worked up the courage to come to ask me to teach her how to make pancakes. I had given her some pancakes before, out of guilt. She often cleaned my end of the corridor when she did her chores so I gave her pancakes once as compensation. This girl, who was at least 13 and at most 15 in age had never had that simple pleasure before and had seemingly waited till her bosses had left so she could ask me for how to do it. It was the small thing really but after feeling so useless that you would try to take your own life, being asked to teach someone how to make pancakes has some significance. As I taught her that day, I learned more about her. How she could only complete Primary school in the village and then her mother asked that she follow

Checkpoints on the Christian Journey

September 8, 2018 No Comments

Recently I decided to re-read Rick Warren’s A Purpose Driven Life. This book had a great impact on my discovering my purpose for life, developing a willingness to live a ‘good’ life and commitment to the Christian journey. I always recommend it to those I’m mentoring because I feel Pastor Warren writes clearly, directly and asks poignant questions which anyone can relate to. I’ve read it three times now, taking each of the 40 days as though it were the first time. As I go through it again in these days leading up to my birthday, I can see what struck me the first time I read it is not what stands out for me now. What I highlighted the first two times are interesting and undoubtedly worth noting. Yet, I see not that what was important to me then is no longer the lesson I need to learn. At the end of each day’s reading, I consider the ‘Question to Ponder On’ and not how my responses to the questions are vastly different in this third round. This spoke to me, so I decided to write about noticing growth over the Christian journey. We often feel like we’re stagnant in our faith, at least I do. In some ways, I’m fine with it my level of faith, but in other ways, I notice that others are more certain, more trusting, more convicted and seemingly hear God’s voice in the way I never have. If you have felt like I have, then this message is for you. Note your growth in the little things, this is a journey but not a race. You’re not competing with anyone. You’re being grown; lovingly and perhaps slowly, but you are growing. As I re-read this book, I have noted particular evidence of growth often overlooked- Change in Motives. The phrase ‘God looks at the heart’ is often repeated in Christian space. Yet its often uttered in a way that suggests God looks who you are inside as opposed to physical traits or refers to God looking at one’s reasons for doing something like charity. All these are correct. But recently, I became conscious of how the reasons for my praying for something matters and determines the maturity of the Christian’s request. For instance, when a lot of us pray for prosperity what drives our desire for it? It’s not a bad thing but unless we are asking for it with a motive that gives glory to God then our motives are selfish.Another example on considering motives; On several occasions I have left a church service sad and unimpressed, saying that I felt nothing, likely heard little because of my hearing impairment and so got little out of it. This has often been an excuse for me to stay home and not go to church, I might as well try to get a connection in my own room I’d say. This shows my primary motive for going to church was not to worship God – as should be. My primary motive was myself, going to refill myself with the ‘feeling’ I’d hoped for. And while that is not a bad thing, it shouldn’t have been the primary thing.I’m appreciating this ‘checkpoint’. It forces me to check why I want something so bad, defend my desires and let me tell you, my prayer often sound like a court brief prepared by a lawyer. It is an amazing feeling to know how you may have the same desires but the reasons you want them now are different… In what ways have you noted your growth? What checkpoints have you come along in your Christian journey?I’d love to hear from you!