Dearest Reader, So… I did a thing. After last year, I had to face the fact that I wasn’t really writing anymore, not in the way I used to. I was letting fear get in the way: fear that I wasn’t good enough, that the next thing I wrote had to be serious, had to be big— like a novel or my PhD monograph. Meanwhile, I was sitting on years of poems. Real feelings. Real moments. Just… sitting there. Then I travelled to the U.S., and blogged HERE about how that trip brought back a lot. It reminded me of all the dreams I had as a kid, before the burnout, before the pressure to be brilliant all the time. I met people living their dreams—big or small, loud or quiet—but trying to live fully. That experience made me realise I was playing small. And for what? So this year, I decided: I’m doing something for me. I’m checking one thing off my childhood dream list. I took the poetry I’ve been writing since I was 26, enlisted some incredible friends to help with the shortlisting, hired an editor, and worked with a project manager… and I made a book. I self-published a poetry collection. It’s called “O Jewa Ke Eng?” which means “what’s eating you up inside?”. The title comes from a tweet that went viral while I was doing my PhD in South Africa, and it inspired one of the poems in the book. Because that question, when asked honestly, can unlock so much. It really is about holding space for what we usually keep inside. And because I’m me, a teacher through and through, I couldn’t help making it interactive. I wanted this to be something you feel with me. So, the book invites you to colour how each poem made you feel using the emotion wheel. Then there’s a colour-by-number piece at the end that becomes your emotional summary. And yes, there are blank pages for you to talk back. Write. Doodle. Cry if you need to. This book is ours now. If you made it to the launch back in March, thank you from the bottom of my heart. The love in that room? Overwhelming. But if you couldn’t make it, I’ve got you. Below is the full video of the launch, so you can experience a bit of what we shared that day. Watch it. Feel it. Tell me what moved you. Oh, and there’s a surprise within (I’m officially a songwriter lol!) Let’s talk in the comments. P.S. You can get a copy of the book on Amazon (UK, U.S., EU) or via JollyLife Bookstore in Cameroon.
Mid-year Reflections: A look back and A look forward…
Dear Readers, You’re cordially invited to do some mid-year reflection with me. This month in 2021, I was battling with suicide ideation. This same month last year, I signed a covenant with God concerning my life, vowing never to express/act on my desire to take my life again. There’s been a lot of work between those years: therapy, vulnerability, medication, support from friends and growth. I don’t take it for granted that I have access to these things, yet I don’t want to give the impression that things are now ‘completely fine’. I still struggle mentally; just this past week, getting out of bed was somewhat of a struggle because hormones will hormones. Besides, as I’ve expressed in previous blogs- mental health struggles are often struggles you’ll have to overcome by walking through, not skipping over. It might never be erased completely, but hopefully, we will get to where we can deal with the ish with healthy coping mechanisms daily. That brings me to the reason for this post. I’m honouring the significance of this day in previous years by reflecting on how far I’ve come. Even though I still have regular lows, I must acknowledge that I have come from the person who saw nothing to live for in 2021 to the person who surrendered decision-making power on whether/when/how they live or die to God in 2023 and to this person who now has an updated bucket list of experiences they want to live out and an elaborate list of aspirations they are dreaming of. If that’s not a testimony, I don’t know what is. So, join me in thanking God and by reflecting on how you are, too. You may not be battling similar issues as I am, but I trust life gives all of us baggage to deal with. In recent times, I’ve found that being an adult, the awareness of all that needs to be done, all that is wrong, and the fatigue from the never-ending hustle and battling the same-ish for so long makes appreciating little things like the colour of the sky difficult. This is why reflection, like meditation, is a practice I want to do more of: ‘ touch the grass’ and take stock more holistically. But then, I’m an overthinker, so this might be something I’m prone to do- self-interrogation. Anyway, you’re invited to join me. I have curated a list of questions below for mid-year reflection, which I invite you to answer along with me. I answer the questions in the video embedded below. I’ll go first… Now, don’t be shy; tell me how your responding to the above questions went.
On one of the days, I remember I love what I do…
Nov 2023: Looking Back at the Year of Self-Love
At the start of this year, I vowed to make this my year of self-love. I have struggled with self-esteem issues all my life and this year I got sick of it. For context, I was coming out of a long bout of clinical depression where I had regained a great deal of weight I lost and through therapy was finding that there were layers to the depressive feelings. The process of healing is often rough and hard and lonely- we don’t talk enough about that. I decided that something had to give this year. In this month’s vlog, I talk through the efforts made towards self-love and where I think I am now- in sum, still trying.
Musings on Motherhood, Or rather Opting out of it…
Have you ever considered that the reason one may want to have kids is unhealthy? This month’s musings are on my own coming to terms with unhealthy motivations for motherhood and why I take my current position on it. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. So drop a comment after watching the vlog!
A Year of Self-Love?
One of my favourite quotes is by Zora Neale Hurston and it goes: There are years that ask questions and there are years that answer. I am praying that 2023 is one of the years that answers… A sister-friend has a small ministry she calls “Jesus Parties”. She, like many of us, grew up in a society that has likened sin to fun and Christ to boring. She felt called to re-create the jubilation and joyful gathering of the saints the book of Revelations said would come. I attended my first “Jesus Party” in December of 2022. I’m going to be honest and say it could have be better but for a young initiative, one that was so needed I did appreciate the effort. I appreciated that this was just a space for healthy fun, we need more of such spaces. Spaces where teens can play games that don’t involve “I dare you to kiss so and so”, spaces with more creative recreation that is not just eating and drinking. But that’s not the point of this blog. At that event, the Holy Spirit seemed to take over a professional acquaintance, we went from fun to prophesy in a quick minute. This acquaintance- a guy who knows very little about me- knelt at my feet, got up and then said: “I keep getting the word self-love for you, I don’t understand it. I wonder if I heard well”. I, an overthinker with an analytical mind, had raised an eyebrow at this guy kneeling at my feet. My first thought was “Why me? Is this necessary?” I recall praying as he knelt that, God better prove his actions sincere. When he later mentioned hearing that word for me, I knew that he didn’t know me well enough to have connived that word that spoke of my inner turmoil. I took the word and put it away. I already knew I needed to love myself. The issue has always been how. Writing the rest of this is going to be difficult so perhaps I’ll make a vlog to compliment this piece… Now that I’ve made the video, with me in good lighting, looking neat, with no make-up but still lip gloss, and my large form not that apparent I can imagine some people will be like “What insecurity does this one even have”. The thing about insecurities is that they aren’t entirely logical. But they like hope are hard to kill. My insecurity is not done away with by dressing up and looking good, because even then, I have enough life experience that affirms that at my best dressed/most conventionally attractive I was not enough for those who I needed to love me. Learning to love myself again, to love myself better goes beyond loving how I look when I dress up, to loving myself in between looks. It means knowing at my worst I’m still worthy, just as worthy as when I am all dolled up. It means deciding to give myself a whole love, or to try to give that to myself each day. **** On Eating Disorders Why do you say you have an eating disorder? Well eating disorders can be understood as psychologically-based abnormal eating behaviours that negatively affect a person’s physical or mental health. Basically, ones eating and overall relationship with food is affected by a mental disorder and that in turn further affects them physically and mentally. I first came across the concept of eating disorders at age 10/11 while I was in the U.S. and watched classmates stick spoons down their throats to throw up what they ate at lunch. Weeks later the school counselor would have a talk with us about bulimia. I recall thinking “oh it’s a bad thing, but it’s an effective thing” and I wished I could try it. I couldn’t. It’s really very hard for me to throw up lol I sure tried. In that setting my knowledge of eating disorders was limited to Bulimia and Anorexia, I didn’t think of my emotional over-eating as an eating disorder. That wasn’t focused on. It’s only as an adult, actually only in 2018 as I lost 25kgs that I realized I have had an eating disorder for most of my life. As I started a fitness journey in the hope of reaching an ideal ‘pre-baby’ weight I realized most of my hunger wasn’t physical but psychological and that my eating habits were abnormal because my appetite was often skewed from depression. And by abnormal eating habits, I don’t mean only over-eating or craving sugar… the abnormality is also evidenced in my penchant for fasting, and feeling like I’m more “worthy” in a state of fasting. As the definition above states eating disorders are mental disorders which further cause physical and mental health issues- physical issues like being overweight and all the complications that come with that, mental issues like body dysmorphia and the increased self-hate that comes with that. What would you say developed it? I don’t know what ‘developed’ it per se. But one of my earliest childhood memories is stealing cubes of sugar and sucking on them in a house where I was being maltreated between the ages of 3-6. The sugar made me feel good, and I would go for more. It wasn’t filling so I know it wasn’t hunger. I’d say that was the beginning of my binge eating/filling up a void with food. How is your eating disorder related to your depression? Well, directly. My binge eating is a coping mechanism for depression gone wrong. It’s the fact that I’m depressed or have unresolved issues which lead to finding comfort in food in the first place. But also it is what I’ve imbibed through socialization, what my mind believes healthy and desirable looks like that contributes to more abnormal eating via prolonged/unnecessary fasts or being hard on myself for simply eating. Do you recall a period when you were not affected by it? Yes. I thought
#AboutMyFaith October 2019: A Vlog-post
Not every time writing… sometimes we vlog, eh? As always, I look forward to your thoughts, so drop a comment! Feel free to drag me as you wish, I’m struggling with my presenting skills
The Employment Problem Cameroonians Are Not Talking About
When we think of employment issues in Cameroon, we often think of the unemployment and how graduates can go for years looking for suitable work. We think of underemployment and how someone with a masters degree in rural development could end up driving a taxi We talk about the lottery-like national entrance exams into the civil service, the corruption, and tribalism that pervades the whole process. But what about after employment? What about those who do make it past that line and then set the standard of mediocrity which is killing us as a nation? That’s what I’m musing on this month. Check out the vlog below and leave me your thoughts in the comments!
Dear Cameroonian Girl, Yes- you really, truly can #PressforProgress
Above is a brief message I was moved to make a few days back. It’s rough, but it captures the feeling I had that morning. The awe at how we- several young Cameroonian women I know and myself included- are literally living the Cameroonian dream. This is not a boast. It is definitely not about bragging about myself or any of my friends as I do appreciate the reality on the ground. We are a fortunate bunch to have the intellectual faculties, talents and sheer will to live to be able to seek out the opportunities we have been able to secure. Nevertheless, we also reflect a good number of the Cameroonian female population. Let me tell you about the women in my circle:One was born into a Muslim family in a rural town in the Northwest region, was the first to receive complete secondary education in her family, gave her life to Christ out of her own will, charted her own course, determined her own principles, sought her own role models and is now an internationally accredited public health researcher. Yet another was raised by her mother and aunts upon the death of her father who was a truck driver. She helped her mother who has done petty trading for most of her life, to put herself through school. Upon graduation, she did some petty trading herself before landing a job where she uses her gift of gab to tell stories of people with health conditions in rural, marginalized areas. This friend has single-handedly managed her finances enough to buy a plot of land and build her own house. She’s only 31. I have four other friends, a tad more fortunate for being born into middle-class families. Yet each has had to overcome either mental, physical, emotional and or sexual abuse from close relatives. Still, they have carved their own way and contribute actively to the development or Cameroon or Cameroonians irrespective of where they are now. Yet another young woman I know has literally gone from attempting to take her own life to making it her mission to help others find the purpose she lacked at the time that she wanted to lose hers. All this to say we are #PressingforProgress and there is hope. Even when our government seems to be playing musical chairs with the retirees who care little for our growth. In the words of Maya Angelou: still, we rise! So if you are a young girl out there, or if you know one. Please, dream with the audacity of a CPDM chairperson. Dream with the conviction of Biya prior to the release of election results. DREAM BIG!!! HUGE! It’s possible. You really truly can. It will definitely NOT be easy, but never doubt the possibility. I have the proof. I AM the proof. This is us, and we are many, daring to live our dreams.
The MILEAD Experience
In 2015 I was selected as the MILEAD Fellow for Cameroon. The MILEAD Fellows Program is a year-long leadership development program designed to identify, develop and promote emerging young African Women leaders to attain and thrive in leadership in their community and Africa as a whole. The program selects 25 young women aged 25 and below who have illustrated potential as nation builders and ‘influencers’. MILEAD offers them a chance to become part of an inter-continental network for professional and personal development, offers them a three week training in Accra, Ghana and challenges them to completed a transformational project in their communities upon their return home. As the program requires selected fellows contribute a percentage of their individual cost, I was compelled to do a fundraiser to support my participation. Alongside the the successful fundraising, and upon urging from Ngum Ngafor of Africally Speaking, I made vlogs on my MILEAD Experience. Here are three of those vlogs for your ease of access. Prior to take-off While in Ghana: And finally upon return home: It is hoped these vlogs inspire some other young Cameroonian woman to apply for the annual program. It is a truly life-changing experience; and I’ve got pictures to prove it!