How do you write about being ashamed of what you are to be proud of? I will try. *** A few weeks ago, a friend and I discussed her options as a mother. She has to travel out of the country and was asking for my input regarding leaving her children with her family back in Cameroon. As we discussed the issue, she mentioned that one of her greatest fears regarding leaving her kids with family to raise is their shaming of children, which they practice even in her presence, talk less of in her absence. Her thoughts triggered several recollections of my own childhood. The number of times I was compared with others: “Why can’t you be like C”, “D who did X or Y, does she have two heads”? “Why can’t you ever do things like X?” I recalled reactions to wetting the bed at 5; being told to stand outside on an anthill while your peers and older relatives alike ululate “shame”. And later on, my name being called on the list of the ‘bottom’ ten to be publicly embarrassed before the entire school as not ‘smart enough’. If you’re Cameroonian you’re familiar with such, and most of us got over it. We laugh about these recollections if at all we remember them. And, unfortunately, a lot of us repeat it. We pass on the buck to our own children because, after all, it worked. Shaming is not an exclusively ‘African’ or ‘Cameroonian’ thing. It’s global. Yet, I think our culture is one of the few which has yet to address the negative effects of this practice, probably because we’re so busy trying to survive physically that we haven’t considered mental and emotional health as much as we should. So we still celebrate shaming. It is seen as an effective instrument to get your kid in order. Competition is healthy after all, so shame one person so they will strive to be like the other. The fact remains: it works. But it works in more ways than one: it works to create unhealthy stereotypes, like in determining what intelligence is; it works to further internalized misogyny and destructive competition between women, who live to avoid shaming or grow to believe they must be better than the next woman and thus bring the other down. Shaming works well, above all, as a destroyer of self-esteem; something we find out too late that we need for literally every part of adulting. Shaming is the bacteria we are infected with as children, one that was to act as a vaccine against complacency and build resistance for a competitive world. Yet this ‘vaccine’ eventually does more harm than good. If not curbed, the ‘bacteria’ grows and spreads. It takes root in our minds, destroys our self-image, tarnishes our ability to empathize with others, and dehumanizes us. We see it regularly, particularly among women. There’s this urge to say “at least I’m better than so and so”, because we feel we can only be enough in comparison. Not by ourselves, not as we are. Comparing women to each other to make one feel lesser than the other is a sadly common and accepted practice. Nearly all entertainment news offers a segment with “who wore it better” comparisons and lifestyle mags intentionally ‘other’ women with articles that compare them and create one set-in-stone ideal. Is it any wonder then that we feel “you are not like other women” is a compliment? As is the case with things which are common, I had taken our shaming culture and competing with other women in stride and for granted. That is to say, though I acknowledged them, they were not things I considered with depth. I’ve been on a journey to self-love for most of my adult life – and I’m still on it –, so I was too busy trying not to think of myself as lesser to bother thinking of someone else as lesser. Yet, recently I was given a rude awakening to this practice and its effects on me – aside from the earlier mentioned conversation with my friend. *** A week ago I posted the following tongue-in-cheek post on Facebook: Tips to know if you should comment on someone’s weight: 1- Did they ask you? 2- Are you their doctor, sponsor/guardian of their health? 3- Are you an intimate friend/partner who is permitted to share any and all opinions? (note that I didn’t ask if you were related, that doesn’t count) If you answered no to all these, here’s the tip: Shut up. As I expected, most of my friends who commented on the post assumed someone had fat-shamed. So they either shared their own experiences with fat-shaming, proffered similarly barbed ‘tips’ to fat-shamers, or tried to assuage me with idioms along the lines of ‘you are not fat, you have fat’. I said nothing. They had assumed wrongly that I had been fat-shamed, yet their reactions proved why I felt bad about being praised for having lost weight recently. Actually, my post was inspired by comments from a few people, who gave me a rude awakening when they approached me to praise me for my recent weight-loss and, in so doing, compared me with either another woman or worse, with myself. The back-handed compliments included: “Ooo Monique I’m so proud of you! See how better you look now! If you had started this sometime back you would be married by now I bet!” “Wow, Monique! You have done it oo! Please tell [X] to follow your example. With your new looks and everything else you will pass those slay queens” “I can see you’re working on your weight; that is good. I’m proud of this new you, she is definitely better” And, with these comments, I felt shame. Shame because, suddenly, my weight-loss journey, something I should be proud of given that it is a testament to my growth in other areas of my life (mental, spiritual, and emotional) was suddenly made shallow. It
How a Reading Challenge Led to a Lifestyle Change…
Somethings we know, but don’t know. You know? Like we all know we could do more if we spend the first hour of our day effectively. But we STILL roll-over and check our phone for notifications first thing in the morning. Knowledge doesn’t always render one better action. And as I’m known to say, knowing your problem is the first step, but still, it’s only one of many, many more. Yeah, not such a motivational statement so perhaps you shouldn’t quote me. Well, one of those lessons we all know is the point of this piece… We all know consistency and perseverance yields fruits. There’s not a single motivational speaker, preacher, teacher and parent who hasn’t hammered “just keep going” into their speech, book, sermon- you name it. And still, this knowledge floats like a lily-pod on the rivers of our thoughts. Just there, acknowledged but not really seen, nor wholeheartedly believed for the fact that it is. After all, is it is to ‘just keep going’ and find out if that works? Not so recently I took up a challenge that made me really LEARN this lesson and it led to several impressive lifestyle changes which have so far impacted my health, Christian journey and general outlook on life. In 2015 I was fortunate to be one of 25 young African women to be awarded a MILEAD fellowship. This marked my entry into an international sisterhood I appreciate more and more each year. Your network is indeed your net worth people. Well, late in 2017, an opportunity was shared for members of this network. It was a 25 week reading challenge called the KK Reading Prize. Those interested in joining were called upon to register; we would need to read a suitable book a week for 25 weeks, write short book reports stating the gist, how it impacted us personally and professionally, what we liked and disliked and a quote which stood out. For our efforts, we stood a chance to win 1000USD. I swear I read that email twice and responded with interest faster than I’ve replied to messages from a crush. If you know me, you know I like reading. Love books! Advocate for reading and consider gifts of books as equal to gifts of money. So, an opportunity to get paid for reading obviously sounded like God saying, here you go, have a gift. Well, not quite. The contest was to officially begin with our submitting our first book reports on Monday the 3rd of October 2017. Unfortunately, I found myself facing the unexpected problem of internet shutdown as the Anglophone crisis peaked on the 1st of October 2017 with declarations of ‘independence’. I sent SMS to other MILEAD fellows and explained my situation. I eventually sent in that first submission as soon as I could travel to Douala in the neighboring region (Internet Cameroon). That internet ban was shorter, we received access within a week. I should have been on track after that, submitting my reports regularly. Life soon proved that it wasn’t that simple. I found that even with something you love doing, you need to program it in. I found that few good things happen by chance and I learned a lot about myself over the 25 weeks of the reading challenge. First off, as per the contest rules, we were to read ’empowering books for professional and personal development’. This forced me out of my ‘comfort zone’ of pop and literary fiction. I struggled slightly but eventually found adequate books. Still, reading them and writing on them took a lot more effort than I had envisaged. I came to the realization that though I could read pop-fiction on the road, or anywhere for that matter, this wasn’t the case for heavier literature. Reading for me has always been about escape. I needed books and used them to get away from reality. With the literature prescribed by the contest, however, this was not possible. I had to confront myself through the literature. Confront myself and see that I was my own stumbling block, my own greatest problem. While reading the likes of I am Malala and The Diary of Anne Frank was inspiring it also made me feel like a failure and shamed me for what were current complaints. So during the challenge I always found myself reading two books, I would have my favorite Nora Roberts’ or Lauri Kubuitsile book on my bedside cupboard and the ‘required’ suitable book for the challenge would sit on my work-table. Because that was ‘work’. I struggled to finish the self-help and suitable books most weeks- even though I’d read Harry Potter (book seven) in less than 10 hours. The experience showed me how dire my escapist tendency was. This wasn’t about just a contest any longer, was I escaping, what else was it affecting aside from a challenge? Upon reflection? A great deal. I noticed how I escape reading certain books in the Bible altogether, How meditating for long is difficult for me. It forces me to think on issues I’d rather avoid so a brief prayer and song should do. I noticed how in escaping the pain my diary entries were sporadic, I would have to write later, struggling to find words to express feelings which we now stale for being shut away till I forced myself to open the box I’d locked them in. That is the greatest difficulties I face in writing. Over those weeks I faced another challenge, time management. Like most people, I’m a horrible procrastinator. Still, I’ve been praised for my discipline and goal-mindedness so often I believed the voices of others rather than taking an honest look at myself. I mean, yes as compared to several friends, I have more discipline. But then compared with others I know, I’m undisciplined and do bare-minimum at last-minute. Like Cameroon choosing to belong to CEMAC rather than ECOWAS, I had been placing myself in the group where I looked better off. When those easily impressed people said remarked on my ‘great discipline’ I should have
The Employment Problem Cameroonians Are Not Talking About
When we think of employment issues in Cameroon, we often think of the unemployment and how graduates can go for years looking for suitable work. We think of underemployment and how someone with a masters degree in rural development could end up driving a taxi We talk about the lottery-like national entrance exams into the civil service, the corruption, and tribalism that pervades the whole process. But what about after employment? What about those who do make it past that line and then set the standard of mediocrity which is killing us as a nation? That’s what I’m musing on this month. Check out the vlog below and leave me your thoughts in the comments!
Where Are You In Your Faith Journey?
As I stated in my first official Christian blog post, with this page I’ll be sharing lessons learned along my faith journey, for the purpose of inspiring someone and spreading the joy that I FEEL compelled to as a result of my faith in Christ. But as I thought of what to blog about this month, what lesson to share from my journey at this point… It all seemed pretty hard-core for a first blog post of the year. So I thought about it some more, procrastinated, prayed for inspiration, and just as I finally decided I’ll write whatever I can, just at that moment, it occurred to me that I was planning to share lessons learned in along my faith journey, but I had yet to assess at what point I was in this journey? Am I a baby needing milk (1Cor 3:1-5), or a full-fledged Ephesians chapter 6 warrior? To be honest, I think I am somewhere in the middle. I made the personal decision to commit to Christ in 2007, so that makes me 11 years in the fold right? One would say, that’s a pretty long time, long enough for maturity in the word. Let me just say that one would be lying. It’s not the number of years so much as the levels of hell and heaven we pass through experience which grows us. Growth in faith is subtle really, it grows on you, you just realize certain attributes of yours have changed. In one of her sermons, Priscilla Shirer talks about discerning the word of God and the sanctification process done by the holy spirit. I love that part of the sermon because it makes it clear these changes are not from us directly or solely our responsibility and consequence of our action. Growth is through that sanctification process. It is through that subtle molding of our likes and dislikes, priorities and desires that growth occurs. Growth is when the sermon about claiming the blessings of Abraham is no longer enough and feels glossed over because a quiet voice says “Would you like to claim his trials and tribulations too? Would you like God to give you a calling as absurd as the one he had? Or a trial as unbelievable as that which he was tested with?” No? Then shush. Growth is when you actually listen and believe the word that says your salvation will not be earned through deeds, and finally stop judging other people based on your list of thou-shall-nots. Growth is when you go beyond praying for what you desire to get and start praying for who you desire to become in Him. Or better yet, when you move beyond praying for yourself and to praying for others, for Gods will, for more growth. I think I began to grow, actually grow in faith and seek more knowledge and guidance than prosperity after reading a Purpose Driven Life in 2009. If you’ve ever suffered from depression and questioned your self-worth, the value of your existence… well you’d know the potential impact of knowing you have a Purpose to fulfill, of being challenged and guided to find that you have unique skills, gifts, and talents. Writing the purpose statement for your life is one of the most “getting my shit together” acts EVER. That manifesto literally compels one to LIVE. Please, make no mistake, growing in Christ is hard, mostly because it means killing of our selfish nature. You are being “shaved off” until all that’s left is what resembles Christ. In a way, it’s not so much a growing as a reconfiguring. Perhaps that’s why our journey often seems like we are going around in circles, standing at the same spot. We may be learning the same lessons over an over again till we get it right. One of my all-time time favourite quotes by my role model, the late Maya Angelou is this: “I always find surprising when a young person walks up to me and says they’re a Christian. I feel the need to respond: already?” See, Mama Maya knew that this journey is looooooooooong! And few of us complete it by the time we pass away. So forgive some of us if we respond to the question of whether we are a Christian – read Disciple of Christ- with the answer “I am trying my best to be”. So there, before I start imparting lessons learned through experiences in my faith journey, consider this a disclaimer: I do not have it all together and I still have a long way to go. Where at you in your faith journey? Drop me a comment below, I’d love to know, I’m nosey like that ????????????
About My Faith… An Introduction
I found faith in 2007. Or rather God found me. It was during one of the worst times of my life (thus far). Suffice it to say drama levels were at an all time high, we’ll save that story for another day. Given the circumstances under which I found faith on my own, the healthy skepticism I came to find faith with, my liberal mindset coupled with regular conflicts/cognitive dissonance, I have never felt I was the right person to share the ‘good news’ with others. My motto was (and to a great extent still is) live a life that upholds the principles of your faith and you won’t need to quote so many scripture verses… This motto is reflected in the popular adage attributed to William J. Toms “live your life as though it may be the only bible some may ever read”. While there’s nothing wrong with this philosophy, it however doesn’t negate nor replace the great commission that we’ve been given- to share the gospel with all who we can as part of our faith. And this part, I have thus far shied away from. I had reasons for avoiding active evangelism, okay perhaps we’ll call them excuses rather than reasons, but I had them! For one, I didn’t like a lot of the examples of evangelists I knew of. Evangelists like the Jehovah Witnesses who would knock on our door to share the faith and some how felt they had the authority to declare that we were condemned to a fiery furnace unless we joined them; because to them our church wasn’t righteous enough. Or evangelist like the medical student cum University Hostel preacher who had left the Presbyterian church for a new-age Pentecostal church and begun asking those he thought were ‘good enough’ to join him in evangelizing to those he thought were immoral. He would later propose an affair saying ” we’ll use hotels out of town of course, where people who look up is can’t see us and be led astray”. There were several more evangelists who tarnished the image in my mind with their love for titles ‘(Brother Sam, Sister Julie, Apostle Leslie etc) and their penchant for legalism, readily alternating social norms and religious dictates to their convenience,. Suffice it to say, I never wanted to be mistaken for one and so I shied a way from sharing the word. Besides,with some of my own unanswered questions and heavy criticism of religion, considering my ready understanding of why some people would choose not believe and respect for their prerogative not to… who was I to preach to anyone? That was how I felt till this past year when I attempted to make a deal with God. I was literally like: Lord give me [insert heart’s desire here] and I’ll do this thing I’ve been shying away from. In retrospect, I was doing what most unbelievers criticize Christians for: acting as if God was a genie. For another thing, what I was offering as my ‘bargaining chip’ was something the faith demanded that I do anyway. So ugh, no deal. Some friends and a pastor I respect brought the stupidity to my attention and I came to my sense somewhat. Rather than attempting ‘trade by barter’ with God, I decided to finally take up the work I had ignored. Actively evangelizing. Still, I was reluctant. It mattered how I evangelized more than that I do it. And like I’ve expounded upon above, the examples aren’t pretty and I have my own hangups . So how do you share your faith, when you’re still growing in it yourself. When you don’t have it all together and when you’re skeptical of doctrine, critical of sexism and all the other isms our religion (not faith mind you) perpetuates. Well I dragged my feet for months, considered the best route and finally decided on starting with teaching Sunday school. I’ve taught two classes thus far and it is a great experience for me particularly because I enjoy teaching. However, given my mobility and the structure of our church [teaching can be agonizing when you’re not the one making the lesson plan and/or curriculum] I found it wasn’t something I could do regularly. it’s unfortunate that the way our Sunday school’s are set up we’ll end up with even more believers in future who either quit the faith or become reciters of dogma they barely understand. None-the-less the desire to keep the-vow-that-was-no-longer-a-trade had latched on and I recently decided that I would commence sharing my faith the way I share everything else… by writing. Which brings me to this:I write monthly on musings, expressing my opinions on everything and nothing, a rambling social commentary, which helps me share my views and opinions on my people, my society and add to the record of our living history.I equally track my career journey and lessons learned on LinkedIn, my attempt at taking inventory of professional growth, as well as a way of marketing myself and encouraging whoever might have similar ambitions… With this “About My Faith’ page on my blog I plan to likewise do regular updates on my Christian journey, recording growth in faith. Offering my opinions on issues that conflict and console. Sharing the joy of the gospel as well as creating a space to question it. I won’t be preaching- not really- just sharing. I think that’s the best I can do towards evangelism at this time. All the same I’m excited, because today I choose to share my faith, cautious of but not fearing the the traps I’ve seen others fall in. So, I hope you’ll join me. I hope you’ll read this page as you read the other. And I hope you feel free enough to question here, to dissent and partake in what I share. A happy new year to you and yours!I’d love to read your thoughts on this new addition to the blog- including topics you’d like me to consider as I muse on my Christian journey- so drop me a comment below. XoxoMo.
What I Wish I Could Tell my Younger Self About Depression & the Things I Still Need to learn.
In Cameroon, you can be depressed for months without your roommate or neighbor being aware. Most likely this is not something limited to Cameroon, depression- emotional and mental health or the lack thereof is often overlooked in many countries around the world. But I can only speak for mine.The truth is you can suffer from depression without knowing it yourself, you may know something is different, something is wrong, you feel off, but you do not know what it is unless you have been made aware of such a thing being ‘a thing’. It is life, you’d say. There are phases like that, you’ll be told. As I considered depression of recent, my own experiences with it and those of my friends I thought to do a post on what I wish I had known, what I am still to learn. I hope it helps someone, in some way.I wish I could tell my teenage self that: 1- When they say ‘this too shall pass’ they mean it. It may not feel like it but time does dull the pain. This is not to say you easily forget it, no, you shall remember and it will return again and again if you do not properly heal. Healing means facing it, dissecting it, not binge eating and sleeping to forget. This too shall pass, but this too may return/will return till you confront it.2- The fact that you feel hatred for yourself and feel others hate you does not mean you deserve it. Your self-hatred is taught, and you will need to unlearn it. You will need to question its root, why and where it stems from, you will need to examine the legitimacy of the source. You should not hate yourself because of the message you have imbibed from lofty sources. Your love for self is necessary for anything and everything else.3- Having suicidal thoughts does not make you a coward. Contrary to what those around you think, thoughts of taking your own life are rooted in an uncommon amount of pain. That few people have the strength to bear or the valor to address. Be proud of every time you overcome.4- Talk to your friends, write yes, read books yes, listen to music yes, pray definitely. But talk to other people. Expressing your feelings is not enough, you will need to learn empathy, gain wider perception to overcome. Your diary cannot talk you off the ledge, you will need other people to show you why you shouldn’t be there at all. The right people. You will find them when you search without prejudice.5- Do not blame your people for not understanding you. For not understanding depression. Emotional pain is often felt only after the most basic needs of subsistence have been addressed. Not all can see the hunger of your heart and mind, most are too busy trying to address the primary hunger of the stomach, basic needs of shelter, security, clothing, schooling. Things you often take for granted because they are overshadowed by the other pain you know.6- Knowing your purpose will ground you. You will know you are needed, you are valued and you are meant to be alive. The sooner you find it the better.7- You have baggage and it makes you a pretty complex person. Your complexity is as beautiful as it is difficult. Your baggage will give you an edge over others in some ways, you will be able to empathize where some cannot, you will be able to perceive in ways some cannot. Your baggage, the pain of past experiences may eventually help you do what you are destined to do better. I still need to learn: 1- You do not ‘get over’ depression. Like cancer, it likely returns, the tumor in a different place altogether. Also like cancer, it is not a death sentence, there will be good days and bad. It is not merely a matter of feelings. It is very scientific, hormone imbalance. While you play a role in his (understand your depression but do not wallow in it) it is not merely you.2- You do not need to prove your worth. You are enough as is. You do not need to pretend you can do it all on your own. Seek help. Read. Pray.3- As Mariah sang, love takes time. Same applies for loving yourself. To love yourself does not mean liking every bit of cellulite and stutter in your speech. To love is to see the flaws, weaknesses appreciate honestly, embrace and engage. Because you are more than the flaws no matter how glaring on the bad days4- Do not be shamed by your pain, do not let others project their misconceptions on you. Your sensitivity is not a fatal flaw, it takes more strength to show your weaknesses than it does to hide them. In the words of Brenne Brown, vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage. 5- Not everyone will get it, mental health isn’t given as much regard as it should be. Try to explain if you can, but if you can’t that is just fine, you are not obligated to. Seek those that do understand how debilitating an anxiety attack might be, or how certain incidents may trigger binge-eating.6- Knowing your purpose may have grounded you, but life will still knock you off your feet. The senseless death, the hate, the injustice will have you remembering why you once thought suicide made sense. Being knocked off your feet does not mean you remain there. Cry, pray, do something positive for you, do something positive for someone else. Practice self-care, be intentional about your emotional health, just as someone with allergies would be intentional about what they eat.Invest in your happiness, read, listen to music, talk with a friend, rest. Repeat till you feel better. Repeat again the next time you get sucker-punched by life. Again, this too shall pass.7- You have baggage. This baggage makes you a complex being. Your complexity is
Pssss….I hope you know I’m a Christian
I’ve been downcast since Sunday. What started as self-disappointment over my inability to capture what I need to say properly in writing has evolved into a wave of misery over things I have yet to achieve, yet to overcome, or may not even be able to change. These thoughts sent me to my vault of spoken word videos, where I go watch what really inspired people produce (and further my miserable mood -of course) as well as renew my faith in myself by listening to the gospel in my favorite form- poetry. I replayed some of my favorite spoken word performances: “Does anybody know you’re a Christian” by Karness and “Almost (Saved)” by Ezekiel Azonwu among others.As I envied their words, rhythm, and confidence in performing. I thought of my faith and how most times it’s all that keeps me going.Although I have a plethora of friends who do not share my faith (or any for that matter), who’s reasons and stance I can appreciate. I still can’t consider not believing. Not having this confidence that Someone greater than us all has this thing in the palm of their hands and knows what is meant to be… that’s just frightful. The idea that we’re all just existing is dystopian for me. It may seem naive, but it is the belief in a greater purpose, God- a merciful sacrificing everloving one- which makes this endless hustle that is the life worth it on most days. Still, I understand why a lot of people don’t believe. I particularly empathize with those who don’t believe in Christianity because they have experienced hypocrisy (among many other failings) in the church. Or because people have tried to shame/insult them into converting, or worse experiences… For a long time, I felt the best way to evangelize is to live a life true to the faith for others to see and choose if they would join you or not. This would mean people should recognize you as a Christian without you actually saying you are. ‘By your works, they should know you’ and all that It occurs to me that, I may just have been evading verbal evangelism. Evading it because those who talk about Christ are held to higher moral standards, because I’m still negotiating my faith and have a lot of questions and criticisms myself and above all, because I have seen too many ‘evangelists’ do it wrong and drive people of other faiths (or not faith) away. However, I recently decided to commit to sharing my faith in more than deeds. Still deciding how best to go about it, but I feel if more rational, open-minded, proactive, tolerant, feminist members of the church spoke up, the fanatics wouldn’t misrepresent us… Perhaps by sharing the Word in the way I have experienced it, I may be standing the gap for another, helping someone answer questions I too had to answer at some time. After all, it may be better for someone to be recognized as a Christian through their deeds.But there’s no harm in hearing them say it either… P.SI hope you know I’m a Christian, or rather working on it ????As my Angelou said: “It’s an ongoing process. You know, you keep trying. And blowing it and trying and blowing it …”